My moment of truth showed up just before 5 tonight. Foraging for sustenance landed me in strawberry shortcake ice cream. The dawning realization that it was all that had passed my lips other than my toothbrush this morning was clear evidence that I’m not doing well and patterns of brokenness are emerging. Searching for protein, I also poached an egg. In breaking the yolk and scooping bland warmth into me without bothering to pick a lemon from the yard to whip up Hollandaise, it was the comfort I was seeking and I saw that in my food choices. I looked around at the wreckage of a neglected home and found myself surrounded in the hollow ache of last year when my husband left. I’m not that person anymore because now I can see my phenomenal coming out of every smile. It’s time to give her a hug, acknowledge her pain, and help her up.
I am determined to break these patterns but first I needed to acknowledge that as beautiful as my time at my job was . . . as giving as it was and as much as I learned, there is the sudden loss of income and identity.
This morning I had the first IEP recessed because I wasn’t pleased with the inadequate job the psychologist did in her report. Calls will be made. Responsibilities will be taken and where heads should roll, they’ll find there’s grace because my life is full enough without a bone to pick. The other IEP was successfully closed and signed and I have a copy to send to Regional Center. There was a moment when the school district rep and one of the teachers were alone in the room with me. They marvelled at how I do it all. I’m an autism mom. We slay dragons. We sometimes have to dig deep, but we can do the amazing and impossible. We talked about my kid’s early development and speech delays. We talked about sensory issues, and my kid running head first into the door, only to slam the back of his head against the floor. We talked about poopy painting and tasting. I don’t miss those days.
These meetings were always my job but with the separation, the husband is now involved in every meeting and decision in any way he can do it without being around me. During the meeting he joined by phone conference. It was the first time in a long while we heard each other’s voices and we did our best to not acknowledge that. I felt mild annoyance, from time to time, but a lot of what I felt was gone. He was in some ways just another random voice and not the man I wanted to love or maim. That’s where I first saw my healing today.
I stopped at the Gamble House in Pasadena because it is beautiful and the grounds make me smile. One day I may take that tour inside, but on most days, I prefer to check out the pond and watch the fish. It was a time of quiet reflection.
Throughout the day I saw other people as I ran errands and it occurred to me I wasn’t attention whoring or flirting with anyone that looked at me. Part of me has always been afraid that I would start looking for validation in other people, but today I realized I’m going to be okay in that way. I’ve always been not so private. I was the girl in school that would get on stage in front of peers and sing. And dance. And act. I even had a wardrobe malfunction with an errant nipple in a really tight Elizabethan dress that presented my breasts as a shelf that I could rest things on. Being a senior in high school that inadvertently shows her nipple off to way too many people at once was not easy to live down. Although, I didn’t get any complaints either. Go figure.
I still haven’t cleaned up my house. Dirty laundry is piled and there are dishes around. I’m not seeing it as being lazy but a form of depression that is creeping up on me. Honestly I don’t feel like doing it, but I’m making the choice to deal with it before bedtime, and I’m also making a choice to make myself a steak dinner because food is good and I can’t start unintentionally starving myself. I like my curves and the clothes that fit me now. I’m still waiting to hear about an interview from my agency, and perhaps tonight will see an updated Monster resume in the making, but I’m coping by looking at my situation. I’m coping by not ignoring it, even if that is my first instinct and laying in bed in all my bloggy glory feels better.
Today’s lessons: The feelings for the husband are easing into a comfortable place. I’m not attention whoring all over my neighborhood, just my blogs. Feeling sad is okay and I am still healing. I should pay y’all in therapy fees but instead I give you words and angst. Lots of angst all around.