Resisting the Slut Inside of Me

I’m having a night.  It’s not a good one.  I’m digging deep for those happy places.  I’m remembering the heat of a blush that starts in my chest and races up my face because I had joy in my Crushing. I’m remembering the giddy joy that took over my Easter evening over the ocean in Santa Monica because that night was filled with Laughter.  I’m not crying, but I feel angry enough to, and the animals know.  I have a cat determined to head butt my temple and a dog trying to become a foot rest.  They sense my tension and the anger as it ebbs around me.

Yesterday’s phone call is getting under my skin and I have to face the ex tomorrow.  I’m not worried about seeing him or the girlfriend he’ll probably bring with him.  I’m not concerned about how I’ll look or what I’ll wear.  My confidence has grown since he left me in insecurities and doubt. I’m angry that I had to change my plans to fit the maelstrom he’s caused in my week. Yesterday’s powerlessness is raging again tonight.

It feels like a lifetime ago, but once upon a time I may have felt this mood and ended up at a bar.  I would have looked at a stranger from head to toe. My gaze would have lingered in a way that made him question if I was actually looking at him or behind him. Not many can take that intensity without doubt and it was intentional. I would have looked him in the eye, disrobing all doubt – disrobing him visually. I would have let him buy me a drink to watch him try to convince me that he had what I needed.  My Hunger was for attention but he would have seen what he hoped for. I would have left after using him for an ego boost and a couple of free drinks.  These instincts are primal and I’m killing them with every choice to be better than the person I was. I would have looked like the girl you don’t bring around your family and friends but I would have felt empowered.

The person I am now will blog it out.  I’ll then read some of the posts that revive the memories of those happy moments. I’ll click on “author favorite” in the tag cloud because putting them all together like that makes my happy place easier to get to.  I will then re-read the papers I was just served, gathering whatever documentation I think will be relevant in the morning. I’ll clean out my purse and make sure I don’t have a pocket knife in it. I will get elbow deep in dishwater, probably breaking another nail in the process.  I will switch laundry loads, then flip through my bible until I find peace.  And I will repeat my forgiveness into the quiet of an empty home until the peace stills into sleep.

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