See me.

I’m into selfies.  It’s never about makeup or an outfit. My selfies are about any given moment and how I feel in it.  I look through my Facebook or Instagram and I can tell you about that moment, because that was what I was capturing. img_0902

This was on Mother’s Day.  I was with family at my Mom’s house and the dog was ours for many years, but I gave him to my niece.  He was so happy to see me that he wanted to jump up my dress.  There was surprise and silliness and tons of happiness.  I was in the early happy stages of online dating and joking about the many dates I had that week.  That week, I had a couple of morning or lunch dates with different dinner dates.  It was a happy moment of attention and I loved it at the time.

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I was in front of my bestie’s car.  He drives enough horses to make me a little jealous and I love my car.  We hadn’t seen each other in a really long time and we were hanging out at a barcade for drinks, laughter, reminiscing and ego boosting.  I was with friends I have known over two decades and at one point I asked one of them to stand out of my line of sight because there was a beautiful boy in front of me with a southern drawl and I was feeling silly and boy crazy, but not at all on the prowl.

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This was Monday at the Mondrian on Sunset Strip.  I’ve lived in Los Angeles my whole life.  Specifically, I’ve had four addresses and they were all in Los Angeles County.  I have always wanted to party on Sunset Strip but never had an excuse or company.  It was a 20th Anniversary showing of Romeo and Juliet poolside with cocktails.  I was there with friends and excited for the opportunity to listen to the Q&A with casting director David Rubin and the opportunity to be with the woman behind GenArt.  (She’s full of amazing, if you wondered.)  It was a great night before my week turned.

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This was yesterday.  I was having a moment of loving what I was looking at.  We can ignore the fact that I was looking at myself.

Life happens.  There is no need for excuses or explanations.  It is what we’ve made it and the power of it all is in our interpretations because perspective is a chosen way to look at life. Today was a much better day, but there was a moment once I parked my car before meeting a friend for dinner when my thoughts were serious and intense and while I wasn’t overwhelmed, those ideas needed full credence and I was giving those thoughts my full attention.

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I posted this to my Instagram and Facebook:

“I glanced in the rear view mirror and caught myself sifting through thoughts deep enough to drown in.  Not hiding this moment became the moment I choose to share.”

So many are used to my happy moments that one picture prompted phone calls and text messages.  I promise I’m okay, but clearly not good at thinking and smiling at the same time.  This was a moment of standing proudly in who I am framed by what I was feeling.  I was feeling a moment of sadness.  It’s been a rough week but mainly I was thinking back a couple of decades and not proud of the woman and friend I was.  I was feeling the weight of free falling through situations I can’t control.  I was taking a moment to stand in the strength of defending myself yesterday because I chose to not be yelled at and hang up the phone and answer when and how – on my terms when I was ready.

I will not listen to you yell at me because I am not your child.  

This is not a discussion.  

In those two sentences I felt taller, and the rage that flowed around me became ripples that broke around but not on top of me.  Those two sentences were years in coming and I was the only one to celebrate them when they came.  And my moment was full of many other thoughts in several directions because I can’t shut that part of my brain off.  There may have been some angst and longing in there as well.

Night has fallen and I get to marvel at what it feels like to be loved so deeply that others want to know what has stolen my smile.  This is what it feels like when others take notice and want to help get that smile firmly back in place.

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