Online Pick Up Artistry

Can I just say that you are very beautiful?

Yes.  You did.  You asked and answered your own question and left me room to not reply.  Unless your profile is incredibly compelling, you’ve offered an out so I can ignore you with a clear conscience.

You’re awesome . . . blah, blah, blah . . . I’m looking for a serious woman that is trustworthy, honest, faithful . . . I believe in a long term relationship that leads to marriage . . .

Um, can we start with coffee? I’m not trustworthy.  You poured your heart out to a random stranger and hoped I would be happy to jump into the trust issues you just outlined for me.  My honesty would break you.  I believe in long term relationships.  I’m open to remarriage.  I just won’t walk into your expectations and try to jump at the chance to appease you when you approached me based on one of my vapid selfie moments.  You realize smiling at the camera means I’m looking at me, loving what I see, and it has nothing to do with you, right?

You’re a beautiful woman, I’m willing to get to know you.

Thank you. That’s great for you.  It’s not mutual. I do commend the confidence. It’s usually very sexy. Just not in this situation. 

You are a true beauty, and I read your profile, it was a nice post.  You are beautiful just as you are and you are surely God’s gift to man.

I’m on the site to meet someone willing to hang out.  Lines like these make me feel really uncomfortable.  Just no.  It’s like going to the mall for a bra and the sales associate is hard selling their panty sale and spritzing you with their latest perfume so she can nail down that sale as well.

Has anyone told you how amazing your smile looks?

No.  Never.  Your profound observation is complete news to me.

Love your eyes, and lips.  Wow.  I’m not on here often and I don’t often message people . . .

Thanks.  I don’t need to know what you normally do.  I want to know what makes me different, and I’d prefer it if it was about something I wrote, rather than what my looks did for you.

After talking back and forth a bit throughout the day: I just finished a run.

Awesome!  I used restraint.  There was no mention of how much I love watching men run.  I said nothing about his CrossFit body being God’s gift to me or that a man on a run is actual poetry in motion because I’m at midlife and that looks like a horny teenage boy when you’re a woman. It read more like, “that’s great.  I bet it felt amazing.” Followed by his picture in his boxers and nothing else.  Is there some unspoken language about post workout selfies being the moment to pimp out your body? He’s not the first to pull this move.  I’m missing something, right?

Me: Hi.  Thank you for such a kind compliment.  I really don’t date men that are 20 years younger than me.  (Because that sounds nicer than you aren’t my type.) But I have a 10-inch cock.  Good for you.  A really long descriptive version of his idea of what kind of sex I want, even though all I gave him was a Hi and a thank you . . . And that’s how he got blocked.

These are the 5 Languages of Love.  What is yours?

Yeah, like I’m not going to get to know you first.  It’s like asking me to tell you what my turns me on so you don’t have to take the time to get to know me.

Hi.  Do you want more kids? I think ours would be beautiful.

No. Just no.

Hi.  I’m sure you get this all the time, but you’re gorgeous.

I do.  It doesn’t get old.  Thank you.  Buh bye. Or you know, offer more than what your visual interpretation of me is.

Hi.  I hope you’re great in bed. 

I am!  I am great at stealing blankets and I snuggle to the point where you will feel pushed out of bed until I get sweaty.  Then I want space. I don’t snore anymore because weight loss will do that, but I can pretend to sleep and we can have a snore off.  I don’t eat crackers in bed, because wheat has a vendetta against me.  And cutting wheat out of my diet means I can’t Dutch Oven you and win in a competition, but I won’t stab you in your sleep if you have a playful moment and want to share that kind of laughter.  I have a great sense of humor that way. Oh, you mean the other way? You’ll never know because you started the conversation by treating me like a discount hooker.

I can relocate to meet the woman of my life if this goes well with us on here.

Thank you so much for that “Under Pressure” earworm.  I need to know that your independence means you won’t be relying on me to fix your broken pieces.  I’ve gotten really good at standing on my own two feet but I have no interest in carrying someone and your love quest feels like need.

There was an interesting (read scary ass shit) moment that was Facebook based.  There was a comment I made on a friend’s post.  Her friend then put in a friend request I started ignoring.  He then started liking my public profile pictures and commenting on them.  I started to email him to find out what this creeptackular moment was about.  He said he was reaching out in friendship and I’m friendly. I okayed his request. Then he suggested he could help me raise my kids.  He could help me financially and see if love grows.  Yeah, he got blocked after that.  Just no.

How to impress a girl?

At least one picture with your full face featured.  Not you and friends where I get to guess whose hotness I’m talking to . . .  Not hiding behind sunglasses where I get to wonder what your eyes look like.  I want to see if I can trust your gaze. Dress up.  I want to see if I can bring you to the next wedding I plan to go to.  Jeans and a t-shirt that fit are a must.  Trust me when I say a well-fitting t-shirt is enough to let me know if you care about your body as much as you want me to. And leave the half-naked pictures for when we get there in the conversation.  Some surprises are worth the wait. I want to try really hard to believe that your decision to wait for me might mean you aren’t actually the man whore you are trying to be in your misguided transparency.

This time with online dating hasn’t been as horrible as the last two times.  I mean, yes, there’s already one boy I’m sure has plans to catfish me.  There are the few really bad examples of humanity above. But there have also been really nice men with absolutely no chemistry for me to feel.  Besides, I prefer to meet people in person.  But you knew that.

I think the best part of online dating is seeing what works and what doesn’t.  Oh, it’s not like that’s new here.  I had fun with this before, right here and here.  There are dates lined up but they’re nothing I’m over the moon excited about, but I’m open to being impressed which is totally new.  I’m also willing to cancel for time with a friend, which I already have. 

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