A lot of my reconciliations start with my boys. I try to get along with others, and when I'm not safe to be around, I tend to crave my space.  My sons are the only people in my life that are not safe from my distance.  They know that no matter what, they always have me, and they will never be asked to leave. We see the good, bad, angry and scary.  There is no face to hide behind when there is no where to hide and we get to figure out how to live with that.  

My son was angry with me. My baby . . .  you know the 10-year-old that can’t cook, or care for himself was angry enough to tell me he hates me and wants to live with his Dad.  He even broke a window, hitting it with what he said was his little hand when he locked himself in the bathroom. No injuries, but my go to glass shop is closed Sundays.  (This is not the first broken window, and it won't be the last.)

His excuse is he has no control of what he does when he’s angry.  I constantly try to remind my boys that our reaction through rage is the only thing we can control while we’re angry. While I know I have my work cut out for me in teaching him to handle his rage, I also get to reconcile with him. And don’t worry, as of right now, he loves me.  We had a full-on clearing and we understand each other again.  He’s no longer angry. There were hugs and even catch up hugs. He no longer wants to change custody arrangements. 

There’s a balance to be struck.  He felt that I didn’t listen to his wants in my last romantic relationship.  Now that the relationship has ended, he feels safe in telling me how he feels.  My ex-boyfriend always stepped in when the boys were back talking me.  I really appreciated that. Kid3 knows I will always love him, even through his pain, and so he’s letting me have it.  At the same time, I get to explain that he has no control over my love life because I’m the grown up.  I also get to explain that I will always try to do what I think is best for us as a family.  Sometimes I will put them first.  Sometimes I will put my needs first while making sure they are safe because at the end of the day, my ability to care for them depends on my ability to care for my needs.  Single mom life can be complicated.  Envy me.  I dare you. 

Sometimes the reconciliation is about money.

Sometimes people have a relational rift based on a money loan gone bad.  Back when I still thought online dating was for me, I often found myself in the cross-hairs of a catfish looking for a free ride.  I had lots of men asking for money for plane tickets, cell phones, credit card use, and even an iTunes shopping spree.  I became really jaded because I would often have men ask me for money to let them hold after a few days of our first hello.  I mean, banks that make their money by lending it will refuse to lend these men money, and they expected me to trust them.  It was ballsy.  However, there are times when someone you know and love finds themselves in a situation where they need support.  I understand this. 

I was chewing over this whole situation while balancing my checkbook and singing along with Adele cover songs.  Singing about my broken heart somehow helps it feel better.  It wasn’t about closure as much as needing to work through my feelings.

As I was looking over my account, I was somehow over by about $72.  I couldn’t figure out how because I didn’t think to look beyond my total and the bank’s total.  Flipping through pages in my checkbook register, I found the entry I forgot about.  It was an afternoon of store hopping and shopping with my boys. I wrote it in, but then forgot about it, and my totals didn’t match because it still had not cleared my account.  I had fun that day with my boys.  We ate together and shopped at Ikea before heading to Target.  A couple of weeks later and I forgot about that purchase that hadn’t cleared my account. I didn’t right away realize why my records didn’t match my bank. There was a cost associated with that afternoon and I forgot about it, although Ikea didn’t.

Most of the time when I balance my checkbook, I may be off by a few cents here or there. Or maybe I have a receipt where I forgot to write in my tip when I'm rushing from the store and shoving the receipt into my wallet to write into my register later. A larger purchase rarely escapes my notice, but sometimes it does. 

In relationships, we often have an idea of what is owed in our minds.  We know what the other person did, or what we did and who owes what. But sometimes we're wrong.  I'm often wrong.  It takes distance and compassion to see the ways I short changed someone else.  I have to let go of my pain and discomfort before I can see what I did to someone else. 

How often does that happen in relationships?

My late aunt gave me the best marriage advice.  She let me know that I was giving as much as I was getting.  It made it easier to bite my tongue through arguments and try to be as compassionate through a fight as I can be. As angry as my ex was making me, I was doing an equal amount of damage. In the end, I just had far more patience.  There was an imbalance.  A lot of times we may think the other person owes us a $10, but in reality, we owe them $5. At the end of the day, is that argument you can barely remember worth the cost of your relationship?

What price are you paying?

I’ve written before that people are not disposable.  Relationships are important to who we are as humans.  If there is a gap that seems impossible to bridge, is the cost really worth it?  

Was it a lie? Were you a safe person to trust with the truth, or were they afraid their truth wasn’t safe to give you? Is a relationship worth the words that were said or kept? 

Was it pride? How does your pride feel when you compare it to what their friendship and camaraderie used to give you? Is pride going to keep you warm at night? 

Was it something they did? How long will you choose to live in the past? The past is where you find pity parties and no one shows up to those so you get no presents.  Move on, move forward. 

Was it something you did? I’ve learned that I’m a bigger critic of my actions than anyone else.  Most people don’t care about the same things I do.  Most people don’t even notice because they’re stuck in their own world. Maybe you are over valuing your mistakes and undervaluing what you really mean to someone else. 

Was it about protecting yourself? You can keep protecting yourself.  Sometimes complete silence is the best thing for healing after a relationship. Sometimes you underestimate what a badass you are.  You don’t trust your heart to heal and protect you. I like to confront my fears, but I’m totally okay with you enrolling a little back up, if you need to. Here I think of parents.  As a mom, I know there are times when I make bone head mistakes.  I try to do what's best for my kids, but I make mistakes.  If my kids one day decide they need space to protect themselves from me, I would get it.  I will always love them, and sometimes love looks like making space so they can grow without me.  Hopefully they'll still be able to take me in smaller doses. 

At the end of the day, is the cost you’re paying worth the sacrifice of the relationship that you used to have?

Are you afraid it won’t be the same? It won’t.  It’ll never be what it once was. It might be worse.  It might be worlds better.  But you won’t know until you try. 

It’s never too late to say, “sorry.  I was wrong.”  It’s never too late to say, “when you did this, I felt this.” Tomorrow may never come, so make that call today. 

Go on.  Go get your life.