I planned a post on surviving the holidays as a single mom without the kids. It didn't happen because I really wasn't surviving.  If you think about the fact that the holidays are supposed to make you feel things, I felt more than I could handle and it wasn't until I looked at my giving that I realized I wasn't giving.  I was paying for something and expecting a return on my investment. 

I give you stuff, you give me love! 

I didn't start my shopping until about a week before Christmas and after breaking off a year long relationship by a day or two.  I went overboard.  I spent much more than I should have on presents for the kids and myself.  I maxed out a credit card and will be on a really tight budget until things normalize in the next pay period or two. Or longer. My kids made Christmas wish lists for the whole family and I wanted to get all I could.  I might have an issue with pride (definitely and working on it).

I get the boys for Christmas Eve. In my Mom's effort to share holidays, she moved our gathering to Christmas Eve every year so we could spend Christmas Day with our in-laws as our family grew and my siblings and I married off. 

My boys were sick, and I found out just before I picked them up from their Dad's house. I stopped at a store and tried to cobble together a last minute Christmas dinner and we stayed home the next day.  Kid3 was so excited to go to his Dad's house and get all of his presents there, that he asked to leave early.  Frozen Cornish Game Hens and a short amount of time means our Christmas meal was postponed for a week.  The next day I was such a wreck that I stayed in bed and binge watched tv. I didn't see my family and I wasn't good company to anyone.

I was heartbroken.  I spent so much money and focused on putting in overtime for their Christmas and my little one didn't even want to see me. Sometime over the course of the next few days I started to wonder what I was doing wrong if my kids weren't more grateful for the gifts I gave them. Then it hit me that I wasn't giving anything. I was paying for presents and expecting love and time and for them to value my sacrifice.  

There was a cost on all I gave, so that wasn't giving.  I thought about my intentions in the weeks before Christmas.  I was superficial and greedy. When I opened the gifts I bought myself, it was with sadness.  I love the jewelry and shoes I bought, but it felt so empty to open them. The ache from my relationship couldn't be filled that way. My motives in shopping were all off. 

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I focused on what my kids wanted.  I talked about how much I love shopping for my own presents.  It means I can genuinely say I love what I got for whatever holiday, so I'm not lying if someone misses the mark on what I really want. I laughed with friends about appliances received from men in our lives. We giggled over an iRobot and an ice maker. I mentioned a stand mixer I once got. I love it but I was crestfallen when I first got it. I felt like it was a family gift and wanted something that was only for me. I talked about the leaf blower and weed whacker I got for Mother's Day this year.  Kid1 said it was like a bad Father's Day gift, but I was so touched by the fact that my ex boyfriend saw how I threw myself into yard work and baking when we lost the twins.  That day (among so many other days) he helped me with the yard work. He got dirty with me and we worked together and it felt amazing.  It wasn't what he bought me as much as the time he gave me. But if you are wondering what to get the woman in your life, it's probably not an appliance that you could use too.  

This was the first Christmas since my marriage ended that I was working.  During the last two Christmas seasons my main focus was on feeding my kids. I have so much more this year and my focus made me feel like I had so much less. It's a blessing to finally be in the lower middle class and above the poverty line but it felt painful because I see so much more possibility and I feel restrained by that vision.

I forgot that I could receive so much more in giving.  I forgot that the two Christmas's when my kids presents mainly came from the Dollar Store, they were happy that I spent so much time baking cookies and spending time with them. They were full of gratitude and I realized that they received as a reflection of my giving to them.  It's like they mirrored the greed I felt in giving but this is only because of my perception. I saw in them what I refused to see in myself. I was the greedy one and they were being happy kids.  They were grateful but excited and I couldn't see past the pain I felt. 

So I'm shifting what I'm focusing on again. It's like looking at the newest cell phone and reminding myself that I can see another part of the world for that amount of money. It's looking at where I focus my time and energy and remembering that my kids will only be kids for a few more years.  It's remembering I can't give them back their childhood after my rat race is run.  It's taking time to watch a sunset. It's exploring the city I live in because people pay to visit Los Angeles. It's deciding a smaller amount of things can be more meaningful if my time comes with them. And it's remembering the sweet little boy that just left my room came in to ask me for snuggle time and in this short life I get to live, it's one of the only things I really wanted for Christmas.