I like the idea of close relationships but I find I've been sabotaging that. 

I self sabotage at work.  I am fairly engaged with the people I work with when it's about work.  When it's my lunch, I tend to take it alone and about two hours after everyone else.  

I self sabotage when I'm off too.  I like posts on Facebook.  I might send a quick text when I have my kids and I'm "too busy" to actually spend time with people. When I'm kid free and off work, I'm usually alone unless someone reaches out to me and asks me to write it in my calendar.  I have a calendar.  It's mainly empty, but I'm somehow always busy.  I find new pins for my Pinterest Boards, or I make lists of things I want to do, and I try to justify why I prefer to do these things alone. 

I self sabotage when I'm setting goals.  I plan a million things I need to do but always make space for things I want to do. This means my serious goals are replaced by the noise I choose over the lyrics in life. I want to write a book, but instead I use those golden pre-dawn hours to lie in bed and check out social media.  

I self sabotage in relationships, choosing Mr. Right Now instead of waiting for the one.  There were lessons I needed to learn.  I needed to see who I am reflected in what was so attractive about him. 

Lessons are everywhere if you look hard enough.  Over a year ago I met a woman and we shared our experiences at the end of a marriage. She shared with me how she threw it all away for something she didn't want and she knew it was temporary feeling.  She was hurting so much over it and in having nothing but compassion for the woman across from me that had not hurt me, I realized that she was so miserable in her marriage, she chose self sabotage.  It was so much easier to step into a situation she had always rejected than to admit she was unhappy in her marriage. She did something so terrible in her eyes that the marriage had to end. 

I was able to look at it differently.  I saw that she was in so much pain that doing something terrible sounded like a better excuse to end things.  She couldn't defend her feelings so she sacrificed who she is as an excuse to end something that was hurting her enough to make her into someone she was not. Self sabotage was far better than ending a marriage.

Self sabotage isn't something we can easily see for what it is.  No one says, "I'm going to destroy all I have and how others see me." We take defensive actions.  In marriage, I began telling lies because it was easier to make up what I think he wanted to hear than to tell him how I really felt and what I really thought.  Someone else may cheat because something temporary and exciting is better than facing a partner that is no longer exciting or wonderful. We may make mistakes at work or let apathy set in.  We should love the job that pays well and offers great benefits, but what if it makes us miserable? There's a disconnect between what is and what should be and that leaves us feeling guilt and frustration that we can't justify. We are not trying to break what we have.  We're self soothing and it can be destructive. 

Our actions often become that cry for help that we can't hear.  It's when we allow others to see us fall apart, that the choice to change or end things can be taken from us. In my last relationship, I let apathy set in.  I was no longer trying to make him happy but it was reciprocated.  We were a broken team and we were just trying to scrape by.  I was regularly ignoring his needs and he was lashing out in response. When it ended, I certainly missed him, but the relief I felt was stronger than the pain of losing him. He was miserable with me too and I'm sure he is happier living his life without me. When things ended, our paths shifted.  

The thing with a path that is redirected is that path is often right-directed.  There's a shift and transition that comes with self sabotage. What we were so heavily relying on is so often shattered until we're left with the core of who we are.  We get so used to living a life that is not our own.  We get used to living through a shell of our abilities because we never had the opportunity to really see who we were while living the expectation of what we believe we should be seen as. 

This is when you discover that you're stronger than you think you are.  

This is where you learn that you are more than what you can do for others because there is a world of all you get to do for yourself.  

You learn that you don't need to rely on others as heavily because when pushed out on a ledge, you find that you can flex your own muscles and that you are powerful when you learn to stand.  You don't need to puff up and you no longer feel like you need to shrink.  You stand in the authority of who you are. 

When you get to this point, it's easy to remember what you did wrong, and it's hard to decide that a mistake is actually what you got right, but there it is.  You are not greater than your dreams or your destiny.  You are not greater than your God or the Universe.  What is for you is yours and you can't ruin or destroy it.  Nothing is about what has happened to you.  You aren't powerful enough to change the greatness in your future. You take a responsibility stand point and decide that all that has happened in life was happening for you and the gift is for you to unpack and unwrap.  Who you are is more than you see in the mirror because you spent so much time looking at who you were told you are.  You peel off layers and disappointments and you see how amazing and beautiful you really are.  

It's a lesson I'm learning.  This weekend I admitted to a friend that I'm not big on hanging out and that I'm usually alone. I don't know where it started to feel safer alone than with others, but somehow that happened and it was more of an internal shift than anyone doing something to make me feel afraid of friendships. It's something I want to change. 

Tonight I was in a rare mood to reach out.  I called 9 people.  Of those 9, one answered but didn't recognize my number.  Two texted so we can connect at a later time, and one of those two called me back and refilled my cup that was empty.  She helped me be gentle with myself and showed me more compassion than I was showing myself. That was genuine feedback for me. 

As I called contact after contact, leaving a voicemail where I could, I had so many feelings of guilt. These are all people I genuinely care about but I had so seldom showed up for them.  How would I react to a number I'm not used to seeing? Would I answer? There are a few people I would answer for, no matter what.  Am I that person for anyone that isn't my immediate family? In reality, everyone is typically busy and not everyone has time or energy for a random call.  I'm often recovering from something or other and my energy reserves are low enough to not want to engage.  I'm not taking it personally, but my guilt is nudging me.  There are so many in my life that I love and care about but I don't show them.  I rarely call.  I don't reach out.  I live my life and watch through social media when I was once in those posts with them. 

It's a reminder that my voice matters and I don't have to continue what I've been doing.  I don't have to destroy what is.  I'm not a tree. I can move or shift and change.  I don't need to self-sabotage.  I get to course correct instead.