I love falling in love, but I also really enjoy breakups. It sounds atypical. It’s not normal for most people, but I’m not exactly normal. I have had enough “not normal” to fill a book.

Once upon a time, (*coughs* 2015) a breakup nearly destroyed me. My marriage ending was the hardest thing I had lived through, until I miscarried my twins. That was definitely worse. It taught me a lot. Some of these lessons took longer than others, and each breakup since has taught me even more.

Lessons

1. I was not nearly as sad about losing the love I dedicated my life to, as much as the dreams I planned that required his participation.

2. Waiting came down to my self worth after it was no longer about the dreams that had to be scrapped and recreated.

3. No matter what I experienced together or alone, he may have left me, but I never left me. 

4. My heartache only lived in the space where I was bartering my love for his commitment. Once I learned to love no matter what I received in return, giving my love was no longer about a downpayment. It was just giving my love and I could do that without being hurt by what I received, or what I would never get in return. Unconditional love means you receive in giving.

5. Giving love freely felt so much better than carefully allocating a tit for tat exchange. Love a little less than they love you is a lot of affection management and affection is the last thing I want to manage at the end of any day.

6. What flows will flow to you. What crashes was never meant for you. Release and receive. It really is that simple.

Individual results will vary. 

Closure is about finding answers and shifting focus.

1. Closure can’t possibly come from the person that failed you while you were together. Especially now that you’re apart and they aren’t as motivated to make you happy. It’s possible to find closure after something special ends. I don’t suggest seeking closure in the answers from an ex love. They will fail you harder than when they were trying to keep you happy (often in exchange for orgasms and if you’ve broken up, you no longer need to hand those out.)

2. Love doesn’t just die. The scales tip. This is just an observation and not entirely jaded. The balance between being who your partner needs you to be, tips toward being who you need to be. At the end of any relationship, there’s a list of things that aren’t worth it for one person anymore. This list means they’ve been adding stones where they needed to transfer weight to keep things in balance for them. They were working on making themselves smile and the selfishness that comes with self care means they weren’t the partner you needed either. You both compensated for each other’s shortcomings. It becomes a series of compromises. You’re no longer who they need, but they haven’t been that person for you either. It takes two to come together, sustain a relationship and end one. In any of this journey, you can’t keep a romance alive that is one sided. Unless you’re a stalker and reciprocity isn’t required. Not where I’m going with this blog post.

3. We didn’t end as much as he was willing to let me go. He was no longer excited to talk to me. He wasn’t thinking of me throughout the day. The many reasons why we were working were outweighed by the many reasons why we were not. If I wasn’t worth the effort to stay together, why would I want to stay? This is where I often pushed once I decided his juice wasn’t worth my squeeze. In my rejections, I always want him to end it. I’ll push in a way that looks clingy and I will enjoy watching his discomfort. This isn’t always the case. Sometimes I really do love someone enough to shamelessly express it. Telling him is all about me, and has little to do with him. In the end, I want him to know that I can love him enough to let him go because his happiness matters to me. Allowing a graceful end is my parting gift.

4. As much as you’ll question what happened or why, you will learn that silence is communication and the heaviest form of rejection.

5. Sometimes I remind myself I’m not a puppy. I can drop the toy. It was probably broken from how we handled it anyway.

Why Breakups are Awesome

In heartache, I get to relive the best parts of a romance without the angst of what comes next. I can relax into the memories that gave me butterflies until those butterflies fade into a warm memory and gentle smile. What is going to happen has already happened and there is peace in knowing nothing I did or didn’t do can make it any different. I know that I gave it 110% and the memories I had are usually worth it in the end. I can carry those with me for the rest of my life and it’s not nearly as frustrating as wondering about the possibilities long after they’re gone. You can’t create something that was never meant to be, and expect it to last forever. What was meant for you will always be yours and there’s nothing you can do to make someone stay if you were created for someone else. 

I enjoy replaying our last interactions in my mind. I’ve noticed men stay while it’s more convenient and leave when it isn’t, or when someone else is lined up. (I’m an optimist. Seriously. True story.) Since I’m still looking for the good while he’s plotting his escape, I won’t see this until after he’s already emotionally distanced. I can often spot in hindsight when he stops casually reaching out to touch my hand or place his hand on the small of my back. I can tell when he’s no longer excited to tell me about the exciting and mundane parts of his day, but he’s reaching out so I don’t feel forgotten. I can see the motions he goes through and the melancholy that speaks to him as he’s offering himself a last chance to be kind and seal the happy memories in his mind before he feels he is ready to destroy my world. He always imagines it to be far worse than it is, but I haven’t imagined growing old with someone in several years. The last time I pictured growing old with someone, we married and had 3 babies. I just haven’t found that next one. I’ve had glimpses of a future I could be happy living in, but nothing that has told me I need to hold on to this man because he is where my destiny lies. I haven’t found my forever. You can’t damage what I never really offered. I look at breakups as the next opportunity to fall in love again. It’s the next opportunity to chase forever.

I really love falling in love but I also enjoy the cycle of that love. I live for the first conversations after I decide he’s not a catfish. (There’s 9 whole days of my Anatomy of a Catfish series. Good times.) Depending on my mood, I enjoy practicing pick up lines. (I’m a busy gal, but I also write stuff.)  I enjoy getting to know him and the things he likes. I rise to the challenge of memorizing the details of his disclosure. I’m a vivid dreamer and I write down the dreams I remember. I’m especially curious when I dream of the man I’m into.

The last man was featured in two of my dreams and the brief time we shared was perspective shifting in so many ways.  He was a perfectly timed gift to me and so special. He will be missed but it was worth every moment while we had moments.

I obsessively pick apart what the new man in my life inspires in my subconscious life through dreams and the ways I feel uncomfortable. Romantic connection often speaks to the ways I still need to grow. 

I wonder how he’ll change my perspective and shift my life. I want to know which lessons he’ll leave in his wake.  I analyze how he reacts to compliments, big and small. I love getting lost in the act of being in love. It’s amazing. New men always shift my perspective. It can take a week, or even just a moment to change everything I believe. I welcome the growth that comes from the men that are so different from me, as well as the men that are so much like me that I can’t tell where they end and I begin.

I jump all in, every single time. The last time I tried to keep my emotional distance, it became emotionally abusive to me. He mirrored how I treated him. I give freely and sometimes it pushes them away, but I enjoy that too. (I’m not always nice.)

Polyamorous Love

I was talking about love with Erik Sogn, CEO of Moonrise Innovation and a really dear friend. He’s brilliant, Polyamorous and Queer. We share similar goals in love. He just experiences it more frequently than I do, and by sheer force of numbers, his experiences of love and loss overlap. He says, “Heartache is the price I’ll pay for a lifetime of passionate fearless love, and so I cherish it.” I agree.

I love the way he loves. Having multiple partners means he is able to give to his lovers without feeling confined to one. It’s a flow for him like breathing. He gives as much as he receives and it’s a massive exchange for him and his partners. It’s built on love, tenderness and connection. For him, sex is an extension of expressing emotional depth. I know more than one polyamorous man, but he’s the purest form of this lifestyle I can think of. I’m not that person. I can only find deep and meaningful connection  with one lover at a time. It’s how I’m built.

In Erik’s words:

I try and imagine life as a buffet of experiences, and know that a full plate means something of each. So heartache even, how often do I get to experience true heartbreak? That’s an aliveness of being human that I get to feast on while I have it. Because it won’t always be there for me to learn from and grow from. 

There are different styles of polyamory, and each relationship and cluster of relationships is unique and has individual agreements. I practice “kitchen table polyamory”, which is the idea that all partners could conceivably share a meal in a home together. The connection depends on the individual partner. 

Love multiplies love. One of the common questions I am asked is, “how do you have love for so many?” It’s because I receive so much love in return that I have so much to give. In a healthy relationship, both people receive more than they share because both people create together. Poly works the same way or you burn out. 

I walk with an open heart, ready to connect. I’m open to finding my next great love anywhere in life, to last a moment or a lifetime. For me it’s about weaving many love stories into the timeline of my life. What an adventure!

Is the Risk Worth the Pain?

I jump all in. When I think about love,  it’s all relative. I love apples more than I love roasted broccoli. I’ve loved fleeting romances more than specific foods. I love almond filled croissants, but I’ve never cried because of my wheat allergy. I can say I have loved so many men that I’ve lost count. It’s true. And I’ll continue to fall madly in love. I’ll cry in parting, or I won’t. I’ll think of the good times and I’ll remind myself of the bad. I’ll indulge in the fantasy of saying the things I should have said. I’ll cherish the memory of his reaction to the many things I did say. I’ll appreciate the weight of my world shifting to make space for him. I’ll think of the ways he held out a hand when I needed one to hold. I’ll imagine what I saw when he was looking into my eyes. I’ll conjure the emotions I felt when he held me in his arms. I’ll hold on to those moments of feeling protected and safe when he had no idea of the fear I walked toward him with from a past he felt but couldn’t fully understand. It’s always worth every moment of fear, excitement, anticipation and reward.

Love is an act of faith. No matter how I’ve been hurt by it before, I know that it’s transformative and healing. I know there’s more good than bad.  I’ll jump in again, and just when I’m starting to drown and be taken under, I may get rejected again. But it’s worth it. Every experience has been good enough to risk the bad.  I’ve grown because of the many ways I took a chance on love.

Multiple loves have taught me what I will and will not accept. I know when I want to stay and when I’m staying because it’s more comfortable than leaving. I have learned to decide that a man willing to let me go, doesn’t need a second chance to show me he’s not worthy of my affection. I also know when I’m willing to take a second dip because maybe he was worth that too. I have learned that I don’t need to explain or excuse how I feel or what I think. Not everyone could appreciate or understand my heart in matters of love, and I’ve learned that I don’t need approval.