In February, I wrote about the parts of a breakup that I love. My confession is that it was a breakup that didn’t mean a whole lot to me. He was a nice guy but we weren’t the right fit. I might have been willing to settle for company a little longer than he was, but he was never the one I wanted to share my life with. It was always going to be temporary with his work being temporarily near me. He had a very particular way about him that I still can’t quite name, and I couldn’t imagine introducing him to my boys. When you can imagine a lifetime with someone, that heartache is different.

Breakups are about grief. It’s a process to grieve over the connection you shared, the dreams you imagined and the life you were going to live together. I’ve heard that time heals everything but I still call bullshit on that. You have to put in the work and heal on purpose. Loss is felt differently by everyone and the time table will depend on how you face it, or if you hide your pain in avoidance. The time it takes to heal is exactly how long it needs to take. That timing is perfect.

I would love to offer advice, but honestly, this advice is about helping myself out. I glimpsed something special. I imagined something real and long term. I let it go and walking away feels like the right choice. It also hurts like a bitch.

Honor Your Feelings

It hurts. It’s lonely. Cry if you need to. Scream into your pillow about how unfair it is. It’s okay to feel this way. Don’t rush what you feel by dishonoring these feelings as invalid. There was something so amazing about what you shared that losing it is supposed to hurt. Flow with it. Eventually these feelings will be exhausted and released. Just flow out.

Watch Your Circle

People that love you will always want what’s best for you. Their version of that might not match yours. They don’t know the temperature of the emotions you’re bathing in and will scald you with the distance they feel. You have that friend that will tell you the other person was never good enough. There’s the one that wants you to jump into the arms of the closest warm body. Someone will want to bash them with you. Someone else might want you to get drunk and high. They all mean well, but these things might not be the right choice for you. Decide what you need and choose who you need to avoid for a little while so that you can take care of your needs. At the end of the day, if they’re not feeding you, paying you, or giving you orgasms, their opinions only matter as much as you’re willing to allow.

Ditch Your Phone

Modern dating tends to include texting, messaging, and social media. It’s really hard to not stalk social media or hope every text or call is from the only person you really want to hear from. When my kids are home, this is easy. I can get into housework, or yard work, leaving my phone on vibrate in my purse. It takes a huge amount of effort to not search for a profile, hoping to see a smile or what he’s up to.

I’ve failed at this. Letting go isn’t supposed to be easy. Each day is a new opportunity to get through another day alone.

When a relationship ends, you tend to be constantly reminded of that person, even without your phone. You might smell someone’s cologne and the memory of a hug hits hard.

A couple of years ago, I remember seeing a Black Tahoe on the freeway and it was a gut punch. It was just after a letter was sent to my house for him. I hadn’t thought of him in a while, and suddenly felt like he was everywhere. Fast forward to a few months ago, I actually did see him on the freeway. We were both in different cars from what we drove when we were together. I don’t think he saw me. He was a passenger in a work truck and I dropped back, keeping an eye on them, but never getting close enough that he would see me. The gut punch of actually seeing him was more about realizing I couldn’t imagine what I ever saw in him.

Lately each Jeep I see brings up good and sad memories. Like the other cars, I’ll eventually stop noticing them. Lately I’m reminded of this person at random times because he’s never far from my mind. It only prolongs things if I seek him out online, or re-read text messages.

Up Your Self Care

My self care is usually pretty great. I consistently treat myself better than any man I’ve ever dated. I feed myself good food. I take myself on adventures. I buy lingerie, perfume and jewelry, just because I like to make myself smile. That being said, I indulge in self love on a deeper level when a relationship ends. With a breakup, it’s easy to focus on what you might have done wrong to make them not want to stay with you. Self care helps to shift focus on how amazing you are. You stop wondering what you did wrong and start accepting the greater issue of how could they let you go. I mean, there will never be another version of you that will come close to your amazing. Love yourself enough that it won’t be hard to remind yourself of that.

Go Out and Play

Lately I’m accepting invitations I normally wouldn’t. I’m normally really busy. It’s important to stay engaged with others. Healing relationships often relies on the strength of your other relationships. Going outside means I’m focused on exploring or doing something. I’m not in bed, waiting for my phone to ring.

Just yesterday I was exploring Arroyo Seco. My kids weren’t in the mood, so I went alone. I got to wear my water shoes for the first time in a couple of years. Kids were in the steams, laughing with their parents. I found a quiet place alone. It was peaceful and beautiful. As I wandered around, I was focused on the trees and the light filtering through the leaves. I was laughing alone while chasing down tadpoles to add to my pond at home. It was a happy few hours where I wasn’t in my head.

Today I was focused on creating a water feature that’s still taking shape in my imagination. It was about finding pottery, a water pump, and drill bits to get through the masonry. I asked a store employee for help but ended up buying the wrong size tubing. I took a break to rethink what I’m doing and how I plan to adjust it into what I imagined. I’m figuring out a way around the wall I hit. It’ll take a few days. The key is to stay busy.

Get out of your house and out of your head. I’m not suggesting you start dating right away, but maybe that works too. I’m not ready to appreciate company for what it is, without comparing someone new to what I had. It’s not the right move for me, and I just don’t have the patience for dick pics.

Take Stock

What was good about the relationship? What was bad? Where did you compromise? Did you go out of your way? Did you shift your schedule and change your routines? Think of the really great parts, but take a hard look at the parts of your relationship that you wouldn’t really want to repeat.

So much of my past relationships involved my ideas of a life together. I’m an over thinker. With this last one, I was planning my weeks in advance. I wanted to know that I could see him whenever I didn’t have my kids. I was thinking of road trips and star gazing in the mountains. I imagined cooking meals together and introducing him to my kids. I wanted to write my next book while sitting next to him, and use his perspective as my sounding board because his was an opinion I valued.

I’m releasing all of those plans and in the process, looking at the ways I was compromising. I’m reminding myself why it was no longer worth it.

Ask for Help

When my marriage ended, I was a wreck. I had no idea how to dig myself out. I saw a therapist. I talked to friends. I relied on my faith. I had to learn how to live differently. I had to learn how to move differently. I read books and watched TED Talks. I wanted to find inspiration on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. It was about being different to feel different.

It might not feel like it, but you got this.