This post has been sitting in my drafts since last summer. I started it after my last date. It was a first date that could have been more if he wasn’t so eager to nail down a third wife when I was trying to decide on a second date. He was talking about going to see his family and bringing me along. I was not okay with that. I’ve been circling back, feeling like I might be a little jaded and too hard on men. Then I meet someone new, and he invariably proves to me that I’m not so far off. At the same time, I know some incredible men in my life. I’m just not dating them. Since this is from my perspective in dating, I’m referring to cisgendered men and women. Please apply pronouns for your own needs, as you see fit.

To jump into my red flags, I should first share my green flags, or the things I’m looking for that make me want to spend more time with a person. My green flags in dating start out superficially. On the off chance I meet someone taller than I am, (if I ever decide to again wear heels) . . . with just as much appreciation for the visible results of his workouts that I have for his appearance (I’m shallow), he still has to be highly intelligent. He needs to be someone I would respect and want to learn from. He has to be able to take care of himself without needing my help. And he has to be, without a doubt, interested in me. He might not exist. If he does, I’m still looking closely for red flags. Then I share screenshots in an album on my Facebook so my friends can laugh too.

My red flags are those things that I ignored in the past because it was familiar, and familiarity feels safe, even if it’s not. This might be a good time to share that my attachment style is anxious and avoidant. That would be a fun topic for another day.

Red Flags look like Love Bombing

We all want interest and effort. This means time is set aside to meet up and get to know someone. I also wouldn’t expect to be someone’s immediate first priority. That screams love bombing and predator. I watch for the language. If he’s calling me all sorts of terms of endearment without bothering to get to know my name first, it’s a red flag. It’s low effort investment to call me “sweetie . . . honey . . . baby,” if you have no idea how psychotic I’m capable of being if I’m hangry and hot.

I was living a happy life without knowing the person before we met. If they’re suddenly attached to the point that they’re messaging all day, to ask what I’m doing or eating or watching, and they don’t have their own hobbies, I’m going to be cautious. If he’s going to expect that same time commitment from me, and have a tantrum when he doesn’t get it, it’s a red flag.

Red Flags are Objectification

This can start slow, or it can be in your face immediately. Look out for dating profiles that want you to be “active” without specifying you want someone to play sports with. He may defend his “preference” by not calling it body shaming. It’s being obsessed with your looks. How do you look or dress when you go out with them. How much skin you show off on social media. You belong to yourself and any silly boy trying to piss their authority over that is a red flag. I’ve spent too much time in relationships with men that liked the way I looked, or the way I made him look, without ever caring about my wishes and dreams. It’s a red flag when conversations aren’t trying to tease out who you are as a person, and what makes you who you are.

I’m also cautious of the ones not looking for “drama.” None of us want the drama, but this often means he doesn’t have the capacity to hold space for human emotions that aren’t his. He’ll expect you to always be happy because he doesn’t want to, or know how to comfort you. It could also mean that he lacks accountability. Not every argument is a party of two conversation, gone wrong. But if he can’t own his mistakes, I’d assume you’ll be the crazy ex he bashes when you walk away.

If it sounds like he can’t wait to have you in his life, and all he knows is what you look like on the outside, it’s a sign to walk away. When it happens to me, I’m imagining the many ways he’s thought of me as his blow up doll, without getting to know anything about me. Being into what I look like to the point that he thinks he can persuade me to do what he wants, without worrying about what I want is not just a turn off, it’s a terrifying glimpse of how much my personality and thoughts will matter down the line. We all have our drool sessions. I want someone pretty to look at, but getting to know him is just as important as that memory I’ll tuck away for private time with fresh batteries. (I’m in my 40’s so get used to the idea that I’m almost always thinking about sex. Shamelessly.)

Red Flags are Superficial Attachments

If you’ve just met and they can’t stand to be apart from you, it’s a red flag. This was so normal to me in so many relationships. We just met, but they were constantly talking to me about what I was doing, wearing, eating, and watching. There was no space or mystery. It was just about being together and the world falling away.

You ever meet someone the first or second time, and they’re already discussing vacations together? It’s a red flag. Run. If he starts going into details about a future he’s planning for us without actually asking me out for a meal, I’m going to be wary. Future faking is a term used when someone will do their best to paint a picture of a blissful future, so you stop looking too closely at the current situation. It’s romantic bait and I would run.

Red Flags look like Isolation

If someone is wanting you to drop plans, for the sake of a new relationship, that’s a red flag. I understand if you’ve been dating for a while and a busy life means you haven’t had time to connect. It’s good to make your partner a priority. It’s better if you regularly plan time together so plans won’t need to be dropped. You should also continue to do the things that you enjoyed before the person entered your life. Maintain relationships with family and friends. Continue to do the things you enjoy independently.

Red Flags are Gas Lighting

These things always start small, but if you make a statement that is dismissed easily, it’s a red flag. If you say you’re tired, you had a lot going on, but they insist you didn’t do that much, you shouldn’t be tired, you still have energy, they’re dismissive and starting to gaslight your reality by imposing theirs.

I had a meeting with a boss in 2019. I was asking for a raise and promotion. As he described my situation as “reaching the maximum potential of my role,” I said, “I’m in a dead end job.” What was most alarming was how adamantly he tried to get me to copy his phrasing of my situation. I’m still healing from the trauma of that job. Your thoughts and ideas are valid and important.

Red Flags look like the Nice Guy Friend

I’ve never met a guy friend that wanted to date me, that didn’t also have passive aggressive anger issues. They have a sense of entitlement to your body, because you’ve relied on them as friends. They are often nice, but also expecting to wait in the wings for you to lower your standards enough to see them. It’s perfectly wonderful to have friends of the opposite sex, but when it becomes predatory, it’s no longer nice. That’s not a friend. It’s totally possible for friends to fall in love, but the friend that gets angry when it doesn’t happen after what they feel is a long enough time isn’t a friend.

I’m also a firm believer that there is no such thing as a friend zone. You’re interested, or you aren’t. You settle for someone that’s been there your whole life. But you’re settling. That’s not friendly either.

Red Flags are Men that Are Unwilling to Believe Men Can Be Platonic Friends with Women

Platonic and safe friendships are community building. If a man can’t see a woman as anything other than a sexual object, it speaks to his expectation of exchange. He’s making it clear he would have self control issues if given an opportunity to be with a woman. He’s assuming that if you’re in a relationship with him, you aren’t to be trusted with male friends either. The men I know that have a hard time with friendships with the opposite sex, are a little more predatory than they might openly suggest.

Red Flags look like Emotional Unavailability

This one isn’t so much about narcissistic abuse. It’s about making sure you aren’t wasting your time and falling for someone incapable of reciprocity.

I won’t date anyone newly separated, divorced or widowed. I won’t date someone looking for friends because that’s how fuck boys talk. And I’m cautious of those not aware of what they want. Sometimes they haven’t moved on from a previous relationship. Sometimes they’re choosing to stabilize a career. Either way, they aren’t open to being in a relationship with anyone.

Pay attention to what they are asking in conversations. Are they asking about places you might want to go without inviting you to those places? It’s not fun to learn more about their ex, while they are not bothering to learn about you. Do you lead conversations about them or are they curious about your likes and dislikes?

I won’t date someone that doesn’t want to date me. It’s not just a red flag, but a huge turn off.

Red Flags are People that Don’t Tell You They’re Already Committed

In 1999 or 2000 I met a guy while working as a tv extra in Hollywood. He was a security guard on the set of Angel. It was sweet. He was always working and I’d drive around LA on my time off to meet him at different set locations. I remember one of the ladies on set yelling out to me that he was married. I didn’t believe this stranger because he immediately told me she was lying. We went on a date at a pool hall. He brought his young son to meet me. I met his brother. I thought this was special.

Our relationship wasn’t progressing. We didn’t talk about the future. I was never invited over to his house. It wasn’t sexual, but there was hours of sitting together, making out and being teenagers. I even made him a mixed tape (this was the late 90’s). He talked about his ex girlfriend, who I later found out was the wife he went home to every night. You’ll have to trust your gut on this one.

Sometimes you have to wonder when they talk about ex’s either too much or not at all. Grown ups have histories. It’s suspect when they act like nothing exists. I’m cautious of the men that don’t feel comfortable texting. If conversations move to Whatsapp or other texting apps, I assume they have someone that checks text messages.

Red Flags are Anger Issues

Talking about the past can often bring up some of the things we did as kids. Admitting he has anger issues without the story of how he learned to manage it, or saying he would never lose it with you is a red flag. You don’t just decide one day to stop losing your temper. Your temper forces you to make changes. At least mine did.

Red Flags are Hating Cats

You don’t have to love or even like cats, but hating an animal that is independent and doesn’t worship their human says a lot about the level of attention he’d want. Dogs offer unconditional love and obedience for treats whether or not loyalty was earned. Are their emotional needs met without you jumping through hoops for them?

Red Flags are Found in Their Relationships

What is his family like? Do they make excuses for his bad behavior? This is a sign of gaslighting and co-dependence. Families will learn to navigate around someone that is comfortable manipulating people in their lives.

What are his friendships like? Are his friends good friends? Does he tolerate bad people in his life? Do these relationships express reciprocity? How you do anything is how you do everything and there’s a good chance your relationship with him will mirror his relationship with someone else.

Red Flags are Warnings

At the end of the day, things could change. They could get better. They could get worse. The key is in watching what you see and deciding if it’s worth pursuing.

I love a good adventure as much as the next gal. If the vibe is right, I’ve been known to jump into some fun and scary situations. At the same time, I can learn caution and I’m sure it’s saved me some heartache and time. Little red flags are important. When you start wearing rose colored glassed and start feeling love and attachment, it becomes harder to see the bigger ones. Personally, I see red flags everywhere and I respond to them by removing myself and saying, “I’m not dating right now. It’s not a priority.” It means I’m not dating you, because you aren’t what I want and your red flags are making me anxious. That much truth might be unnecessary.