It’s the second day I’ve stepped into my morning shower with a song in my heart and a dance in my steps. Seriously singing and dancing in the shower like I did in high school. I never said I’m into personal safety, but I am joyful.
I’m not a victim to the life I get to live.
I get to be an autism mom.
I get to be a responsible daughter.
I get to be a reliable sister.
I got to be a stay at home mom and I get to start a career at 38.
I got to be a wife, and now I get to fall in love again.
This weekend I was singing. It wasn’t the typical singing a song while working because I want to forget that I hate what I have to do. It wasn’t singing in church. I was singing a song to someone. It was a serenade as an expression of the love I wanted to shower them with. It was beautiful and I wasn’t worried about what my voice sounded like. It was a hug that came from the deepest parts of my heart.
I get to balance my very own checkbook.
I get to rebuild my life so it is an expression of my choices.
I get to BE and I don’t have to wait until I have or do.
I get to make up my own rules and I don’t have to feel shame if I decide to break them.
I’m not responsible for the feelings of others.
I’m not tied to the feelings that come with experiences.
I can choose my reactions and the meanings I tie to my life.
I will do my best to honor the example given by the trainer we had in my weekend perspective overhaul. When you put a rat in a maze, it will learn the quickest route to the reward left at the end of the maze. Eventually, routine will replace the trial and error of scent that leads the rat to the reward. If you move the reward, the rat will go on autopilot based on past experience, but the moment it realizes the reward was moved, the rat will sniff out it’s new locations. Humans have a hard time with that idea. Especially with love. We will continue to look in the same spot once our love has moved and we’ll whine and complain, rather than looking elsewhere. We’ll wait endlessly for its return, complaining about what is missing and should be in the exact spot we left it. Right now I’m finding that love right here, within me.
I get to take myself out and show myself the best of everything I could ever dream to experience. I get to live by choice. I can be and watch the doing unfold into the here and be surrounded in my bliss. And I get to show my boys how to do it too.
Don’t envy me. You can have it too.