I’m in a better place mentally than I have been in the last two years, but I’m still feeling grief. That heaviness makes it hard to get in touch with my libido.
Read moreWhen Having Things Covered Is an Illusion
You’re taking care of yourself and maybe even others. Then one small thing gets tossed on the pile you are managing, and it’s just enough to force everything to collapse. Did you really have things covered?
Read moreWhere I Am in this Moment
… life isn’t black and white and that’s a blessing. The shades of gray can both help and hurt you, but you will be stronger because of it. I have to believe that because I know I’ve already lived it.
Read moreInk Cravings
Her drug is the pain. She wants to feel the gun vibrate and hum, hitting her over and over with fire that turns to nothing. She likes watching the ink pool with blood on her skin before the artist wipes it away to reveal intricate lines and delicate shading.
Read moreThe Spider's Web, a short story
Photo by Bianca: https://www.pexels.com/photo/cobweb-on-tree-branch-1722050/
She started the water in the kettle, then began preparing two mugs. She pulled herbs from jars and concocted some floral tea infusion. He didn’t see her hand hover over the prescription bottle she kept there, but his angels must have been watching, because the water was ready as she was about to open the bottle and decided she wasn’t ready to deal with a second body.
Read moreUncontrolled Mental Health Symptoms
Photo by Gadiel Lazcano on Unsplash
The biggest lesson I’ve been struggling with during this time is self advocating. I can still do great things. I’ve just written a blog post that outlines some heavy material in a way that is hopefully easy to understand. I also have moments of instability where I need more support. The crazy part about invisible disabilities such as mental health is the part where you can barely function, but still have to let people know you need the help that they can’t seem to see you needing.
Read moreThe Famous Divorcée Among Us
You are the prayers and legacy of your entire bloodline. You carry the backbone of those people before you. You are the strength of generations that have been broken, and endured. You are their tenacity and their hope. Straighten your posture. Hold your head high. You are the current expression of beauty and strength in generations of your family. Carry yourself as if they’ve been praying for you, before you were born. The people that have tried to break you, wouldn’t have bothered if you were as small and broken as they tried to convince you they are. You can’t pull down what is already below you.
Read moreDating Red Flags
If you’ve just met and they can’t stand to be apart from you, it’s a red flag. This was so normal to me in so many relationships. We just met, but they were constantly talking to me about what I was doing, wearing, eating, and watching. There was no space or mystery. It was just about being together and the world falling away.
Read moreMy Best Friend's Brother, a spicy short story
Photo by Skyler King on Unsplash
It was a simple plan. Her parents were on a weekend getaway. I was going to wear something cute, and show up for a little Netflix and hope that Abby’s brother wanted to chill. What could go wrong? I mean, I was nervous about the same plan that I failed to execute all through summer, fall, and now winter. He was always on his way out, or he went directly to his room.
Read moreEvelyn & Peter, a short story of reconciliation
Peter shifted slightly, but she knew that stance. She knew the change in his posture and his voice. She swallowed heavily and he knew she was just as affected as he was.
Read moreDiscussing Mental Health with your Children
My kids know me well and any change in my behavior is easy to internalize from the perspective of a child. You’re their world, so it makes sense that they would be yours as a parent. I’ve always pointed out that they don’t make me angry, and they don’t make me lose my shit. My ability to manage my emotions depends on how I’m doing at any given moment. They are consistent, but how I’m doing might change from day to day. Their hugs always help me manage my feelings, but it’s still up to me to get control of myself.
Read moreGetting Help with Complex PTSD
You’d be surprised at what you get used to. I have the symptoms that look like characteristics of PTSD, but I have lived and worked through them for years. This includes nightmares and waking up with incredible rage. I often live in emotional numbness and dissociation. I’ve had emotional flashbacks and can’t usually get a good night’s rest. I’ve had angry outbursts and you’d be surprised at how easily I experience guilt over things I have no reason to feel guilty about.
Read moreThe Abandoned Estate: a short story
There’s a story hidden in the broken panes of glass that still filter light through the verdant canopy. The wind that whispers on the air will speak in riddles about the mysteries living in the walls of the old manor. She knew what she was doing but understood there was no one to stop her. All she held that night was her protection charm and a sense of duty, carried in the pulse of her veins.
Read moreReparenting Yourself & Your Kids
Photo by Artyom Kabajev on Unsplash
Patterns of abuse are learned. Our primary care givers teach us how to abuse and be abused. They teach us how to fall in line. It sounds harsh, and I really love my parents and siblings, but reparenting myself means I had to give what I learned a really hard look. I get to do better with my sons.
Read moreAutism Acceptance as a Mom of Autistic (almost) Adults
The goal is to be gentle enough to encourage others to want to learn more. I didn’t know where to step in aggressively and where I should just back off, because I’ve had my kid’s lifetimes to learn what I know, and fully understand I don’t know nearly enough.
Read moreUnderstanding Dissociation
Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash
As I prepared to get back into my car, the guy next door was still rambling and said he hoped my day would get better. I looked at him and realized I might not be reacting. I told him it was disturbing but I already handled it and it’ll be okay.
Read moreUnderstanding Triggers
Memories are stored in the body. Think of memories as your internal storage system. We experience something and we take that information in through our senses. We see something. We hear something. We feel something. We process this information and store it. In the short term, it’s kind of like a to-do list. We remember things chronologically. This is why you can often trace your steps back to remember what you did with your keys. Long term memories are stored in our bodies. Recalling older memories comes down to triggering that memory. One of the easiest ways to trigger a memory is through scent.
Read moreHealing After Mental Abuse
Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash
The after affects of mental abuse can often look like it’s hard to believe compliments. The idea that your thoughts and emotions aren’t real makes more sense than actually knowing how you feel. Protecting yourself and your feelings becomes every thought you have, and pushing people away is easier than allowing someone close enough access to see or hurt you. Every thought is easily over analyzed, including all of the little things. Needing constant reassurance is normal after mental abuse. Building trust is really hard, and it takes effort to not hold someone at an arm’s length to preserve your sense of safety. It can make it really uncomfortable to feel loved and admired, and your self worth can take a nose dive.
Read moreThe Here Podcast with Felicia Conner
Healing comes through connection. It comes from connecting to others and connecting to our bodies. This often comes through relationship and compassion toward others.
Read moreFacing Unemployment in 9 Steps
Photo by Free To Use Sounds on Unsplash
The days after a layoff are activity filled for me. I wanted to point out some take aways and offer 9 steps to take or consider taking. This isn’t my first rodeo.
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