I blushed on Thursday and it was epic.

We had a company meeting where I asked a question that highlighted the fact that I really didn't understand what we sell. In front of my boss. In front of the CEO's. In front of the people that mistake me for a manager (I am not). It was an all-hands meeting and I stood up with a microphone in front of the entire company. I know my job in billing, but my understanding of our product was disjointed and in describing what I thought we need, I was explaining that I didn't understand part of our partnerships. I blushed with embarrassment. I felt the heat in my face and broke a sweat in my pits. It was awesome. 

The unique thing is I don't often blush. It's not just about having dark skin. I just don't often feel things that spark that kind of physical reaction. Maybe it's from having enough confidence, or various experiences in life. I've caught projectile vomit in my hand and continued conversations as if my kid just asked me to pass the salt. Maybe my walls of protection are that thick. It's just rare. I can talk to strangers. I can feel anxiety when I can't control something, but I'm rarely embarrassed about it. I can be vulnerable if I feel that space is safe enough to be. I rarely feel a fight or flight reaction strong enough to make me blush though.

Last weekend a friend took me to a Korean Day Spa. We walked around completely naked with other women walking around completely naked. When I told her I blushed at work, she pointed out that I wasn't even blushing for her that day.  My biggest thing was figuring out where to look so I wasn't making others uncomfortable.  But I wasn't blushing. I was awed and inspired by the other women that weren't blushing and were comfortable in their skin, in all shapes, with all kinds of scars from the lives we get to live.  

I left that space of embarrassment feeling amazing. There's growth and learning when what you know becomes what you feel. The heat rushing through me felt powerful. It was a stretch that I embraced. It's a stretch I needed. If I'm embarrassed, it's an area I get to grow in, and I did.  Half an hour after that meeting, I could explain exactly what I didn't know and the limitations of one way integrations.  I learned more than I set out to discover. 

This relates to my bigger picture. I'm accepting that a single parent in Los Angeles is as tough as it has been. I'm starting a new venture in insurance sales, and working on getting a license as a side hustle. I've never been comfortable with sales. Selling stuff was always uncomfortable.  I was embarrassed to try to convince someone to buy something I would probably never buy for myself. I was selling whitening toothpaste for a bit and I'm so grateful for the ways it was paying my bills, but without reaching out for that constant coaching, my short lived business venture died.  I wasn't passionate about selling whitening toothpaste or other beauty products because I'm the type of girl that usually doesn't bother to take off my makeup at night.  There are some things in life I don't care much about and my appearance is usually one of those things. 

I just had a conversation about my job this morning.  I love what I do. I handle A/R , or accounts receivable, or collections.  Many names for a job that is all about bringing in money owed to us. Most people see that as a hard job because most people avoid bill collectors, but it feels good.  I get to re-sell a product I believe in when people question the value we offer.  I get to support people that genuinely need help when they can't pay their bills.  And I get to run credit card payments all day.  I love what I do, but having a job I love as much as I do has taught me that sales for me isn't about convincing someone to buy what I have, but providing something I believe in and feel they need. I've enrolled so many people in my belief in what we sell because I'm so passionate about it.  

My thing with insurance is that it's an extension of something I'm already passionate about.  In taking control of my life, I started with my checkbook.  I needed to learn about money and it's what I set out to do.  I met a friend who works through Wold System Builder selling insurance, and they're offering free Financial Literacy courses.  I was excited.  Each week I show up after work and learn with others that have similar goals to mine. As I'm learning about paying down debt and planning for retirement, my lack of planning for my kids really hit hard.  I need to know that I'll be taken care of as I age, but also that they'll be taken care of after I'm gone, and I realized that this is a steeper climb than I ever thought it could be. 

As a special needs mom in Los Angeles, I can tell you about Supplemental Security Income, In Home Supportive Services, the ASDA Special Dog Allowance, Respite Care through Regional Center, and some really nifty provisions in the Americans with Disabilities Act. What I am learning is that all of these programs rely on the fact that you have very little and they expect you to keep very little of it to qualify for services.  So the more I make, the less my kids are entitled to.  It makes sense, but when I'm gone, that payment from the government will not be enough.  They won't be able to live on their own and having a small income with a need to rely on someone else could set them up to be victimized by someone else.  As I'm learning about insurance and finances, I'm learning how important it is to set up a Special Needs Trust account with an ABLE account that I can't even get in California yet.  I'm learning about setting up annuities so my adult kids can later get a monthly allowance to manage their needs appropriately if they're unable to keep a job.  I'm learning that life insurance should cover the final costs of a funeral, but I also need to consider that insurance is designed to replace me.  My income.  My ability to cover housing costs.  What if I go before I've figured out the future costs of my children's college education?  I'm learning that even if I set money aside in a product I'm not meticulously managing, it can be taxed away by the government or not enough because of a bank making money off of me while paying me very little for letting them hold it.  What about inflation? Remember when a quarter could cover a payphone call or a postage stamp? Or five pieces of candy at 7-Eleven? I do.  As I'm learning, my passion is taking over any embarrassment I had over trying to sell a product. 

My embarrassment is making way for my passion. My passion means I don't have to persuade people to buy what I'm selling.  I'm just someone willing to provide what I feel everyone should have. That's not really sales, and I don't have to be embarrassed about it.