I’ve spent the last few days looking into mirrors. I’m not referring to the five minutes it takes to put on my makeup or the reflection that makes me smile when I’m in the throes of one of my Instagram worthy, vapid selfie moments. I’m talking about the moments when I see so much of myself in another, that the earth sighs, heaven parts and the stars align in perfect synchronicity.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit much. How else do you feel when you meet someone and so much of how you see the world is reflected in their eyes?

A Dismissive Explanation

We always look for something in common with the people we want to like. When I’m inclined to like someone new, I’m going to look for every reason to deepen the connection by embracing every single similarity I can find. If there’s more in common, there’s more to talk about.

Digging Deeper

How do you feel when others compliment you? Is it comfortable or do you hate it? Do you ever compliment others? What about criticisms? Do you see something in others that makes you angry? Do you see that same thing in yourself?

I know, profound. Uncomfortable. Hate me later. This is about you. We can search for your self love here.

I find that if you spot what you are calling out in others, you probably have it in yourself. Whether or not you feel comfortable about that is something you get to look at.

If you’re big on compliments, you value what you find in yourself. If you are uncomfortable with someone saying something good about you, take a look at why it’s not landing for you. Do you feel like it sounds right? Does it feel like a lie? If it’s not a lie, does it feel wrong to be praised? Why do you feel this way?

The Gift of a Mirror

Mirrors are all about intimacy. If I see something in someone I’ve just met and it sounds a lot like myself, I step into that connection. I’m drawn into what is familiar because if I already know it, it’s comfortable. Or it can be.

I experienced this with my first crush after my marriage. As we talked, I saw all of the ways our marriages and the ends of our marriages aligned. I saw things in him I wanted to see. A crush grew from a few short interactions, when in reality, this man was a stranger. A very kind, and easy to look at stranger.

A lot of times, the invitation to intimacy allows me to be open to being compassionately directed out and in response, I can be open to self compassion. It’s about stepping into a relationship where I look past the emotional boundaries we set and look at the ways we’re connecting. We can look into each other and see a reflection.

This weekend I met a woman just after her date ended. We connected and talked about romance and the men in our lives. In seeing her passion for life and her trajectory, I could relate to where she was because this was where I saw my own visions and goals. Speaking my truth to her and hearing it come back to me from her allowed me the space to breathe truth into a decision that wasn’t serving me.

This is vague, so I’ll spit it out. I’ll also remind you, I’m not always nice. To quote my book, “I may be 3/4 goddess, but that last quarter is mercurial as fuck.”

We’re both powerhouse, dominant women. We’re both open to dating. We’re both having a hard time finding the men we could crown as the King in our lives. We’re both frustrated with the idea of a partner that we would have to pull up to meet us. Ideally, I’d be focused on my goals, which account for the personal growth I need to achieve them. He’d be working on his dreams. We could meet in the middle without having to sacrifice our visions. We would both grow.

This incredible woman was my mirror, my sister, my friend. I had just met her. She wouldn’t accept any less than I would either. We could both relate to the idea that we are frustrated with leading the men in our relationships. We can’t be expected to be turned on by being the man or being the Mom. We can’t accept a life that is well below our abilities and dreams.

She lifted me up in this moment. She inspired me. She encouraged me. We complimented the badasses we saw in each other because we can see that same magic in ourselves. She reminded me to release anything that didn’t fit my vision or goals because I’m not interested in a life I am settling for. I refuse to live as a victim to my choices, and she helped me see what that looks like as we reflected on our lives together.

Commonalities

As children, we relate to the things we find in common. We look for ways to connect by things we share individually. As we grow older, we start to differentiate who we are in relation to others. We decide who we are by deciding who we are not. This is about choice in a meaningful way. When I choose to look for similarities, they shine like a beacon that can’t be ignored. When I decide I don’t want to connect, I look for the many ways I’m different.

Think about someone you’ve loved romantically, but the relationship has ended. You are now living separate lives. Think of the beginning of the relationship, then think of the end. At some point you’ll notice you made two choices. You chose to love, then you chose to heal from that love. We make choices and our feelings follow those choices. We make choices and search for evidence to back our findings. Only scientists try to not be emotional when gathering evidence and trying to come up with a starting point. Even then, it’s hard to not add personal histories and observations to a situation, even with the scientific method.

Let it Land and Examine How it Feels

Again, I’m not always nice. I’m a button pusher.

When I see something I like in someone, I know it’s about me.

I spot it, I got it.

I give it, I’m living it.

You can’t give what you don’t have.

I give compliments. I share affection. I give from the good I have in me, and when it makes someone uncomfortable, I enjoy giving it even more. It’s causing a reaction in me that speaks to the many ways I’m still not comfortable with compliments. In being nice to others, I’m being mean, but it tells me a lot about them. It tells me how open they are to connecting. It tells me about their level of self love. It tells me if we would grow together or if they need a little sunshine but they aren’t prepared for a full on Care Bear Stare. It’s making them stretch in ways they aren’t prepared to receive and I know I do this because the part of me that used to shy away is uncomfortable with their response. I’m still uncomfortable and it’s an itch I’m choosing to scratch. I see it. I don’t like it. I want to change it. It’s about fixing a past I can’t control. It’s seeing a version of myself I feel is weaker than I am now.

There’s a Point

Look at your interactions with others to determine who you are, and who you’re not. Look at how you react to others to determine what makes you uncomfortable about yourself. Dig deep. Pull out that festering wound. Clean it up and move forward.