Patterns of abuse are learned. Our primary care givers teach us how to abuse and be abused. They teach us how to fall in line. It sounds harsh, and I really love my parents and siblings, but reparenting myself means I had to give what I learned a really hard look. I get to do better with my sons.

Children don’t enjoy being bad kids. They want to know what to expect and need boundaries. They want to be loved and acknowledged. When their good behavior isn’t acknowledged, they will often behave in a way that gets them negative attention. Any attention is attention that’s needed and unfortunately, it’s easier to get negative attention. This is a way of communicating their needs.

It’s important to consider how they are feeling. Are they hungry, thirsty, tired, or lonely? These things would make adults act out, and it’s not normal to expect children to handle physical and emotional stress without support.

I touch on this in my first book, Memoirs of a Warrior Dragon Slayer: There’s Room for More. I talk about growing up in a Christian home that valued obedience and submission of a wife to her husband. I talk about how my Dad thought I should be seen and not heard as a child. Now he sees me as an adult and values my opinions, but he never taught me how to give more than obedience, and service, while telling me what he expected me to figure out. He often asked, “What do I want my daughters to not be? . . . Dumb.” I always said, “stupid.” It was what the question made me feel. Dumb is about being silenced, and stupid is tied to intelligence. I didn’t understand it for most of my life because in the end, I felt stupid by the repetition, without example.

I’m here to provide examples.

In looking at my adult relationships and behaviors I felt were normal, I realized I had to do better. I went through, or am going through a phase where boring and safe relationships make me uncomfortable, because I still haven’t gotten used to them. They don’t feel like childhood.

Dad wanted silence when adults were talking. He wanted his meal brought to him and drinks refilled. This was how to win his approval when we were young. As we grew up, he verbalized how he wanted us to be independent and strong critical thinkers, but this wasn’t modeled to us. Even when I turned 18, he filled out my voter sample ballot for me. I made my own decisions that day, but it was rebellion, not obedience.

I had a big sister that hated not being the baby once I showed up. I would follow her to the ends of the earth, wanting to look like her and be with her friends. She’s beautiful, and seven years my senior. She was also a Tom Boy. She hated hugs. She often showed me she loved me with a punch on my arm, or by pinching me until she broke the skin. One of her really affectionate moments was a rare house party she took me to. She looked me in the eye and said she would beat me up if I took anything. I had no idea what she meant or what drugs were at the time. I saw someone take it to the head and pass out that day. I was freaked the fuck out. Years later, I understood her warning was her way of looking out for me. I didn’t leave her side that day. But this was what she taught me love looked like. Love was out of reach, painful and looked like threats. When I realized her example was what made danger feel like love, it put me through months of anger and frustration. It took that time to understand what love looked like to her and forgive her, while forgiving myself for what I accepted in my romantic relationships.

I love her madly, and if we hadn’t talked this out last year, I might not be in a safe space to discuss it now.

My home is peaceful. We have happy sounds here. It’s not just my plants and stray cats. It’s my kids. They aren’t anxious or angry here. I had to unlearn, then relearn all I know about safe love in parenting, and I’m still learning.

Set Limits

Your children should always know what is okay, and what is not okay in their homes and lives. Going back and forth so something is okay one day, but not the next leads to confusion. Some people write the rules on their walls. Most of these come up as children grow up. My kids know they can have whatever they want in the home, as long as it’s not my cigars or booze. They know they can’t hurt each other, even in joking. They know they can set boundaries on their bedroom with closed or locked doors. They also know I will randomly knock on their doors for hugs and to check in, or just sit on their bed for a while because I miss them. They give me boundaries. If they aren’t in the mood to be tickled or hugged, I have to respect that and give them space.

Emotional Abuse

How would you feel about working with people that swear at you? What if they put you down and insult you? What if they tease you or pretend to hurt you? Hopefully you would quit, and look for an employment attorney (after documenting all the details in forwarded emails, or a timeline). Don’t do this to your kids. This often comes from anger and frustration, but it’s so important to check in with your ego. Check in with your emotions. I use to lose my shit, all the time. I learned that I can calm myself down, if I self isolate. I will tell my kids I love them, but I need a moment and lock myself in my bedroom, or sit outside for a bit.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please don’t assume your child is safe because they aren’t being hit. Seeing this is just as traumatic as experiencing it. A mother’s safety will affect her ability to safely bond with her child. The scars of second hand and emotional abuse can hurt more than physical abuse. Emotional abuse scars can be far more damaging than physical scars, but you rarely get one without experiencing the other. Get out. Get help.

Don’t treat your kids in the way you are actively trying to heal from. Be the parent you want your child to have, not the parent you feel like being. They’re very different things. (I know this one so well.)

Aggression

Sometimes hitting is just something that feels good. When our family first went through the separation, there was a lot of anger in all of us. The boys started hitting each other. I bought a 100 pound heavy bag, and we took turns hitting it. In this way, I wasn’t punishing their feelings, but redirecting them into something safer. Kid2 let all of his anger out. He pounded that bag with all he had, then he fell into my arms and sobbed. Eventually, we didn’t need it anymore.

Corporal Punishment or Spanking

Studies have shown that spanking causes more bad than good. The American Psychological Association has an article about physical punishment here. Spanking doesn’t get kids to behave in all cases. The aggression creates a hormone flow that changes the situation for parents. I remember thinking back in the middle of spanking my toddler, and wondering if this was for him, or for me. This is when I stopped spanking. (I’m not perfect, and admit that freely.) It made me feel like I was doing something, but it only caused pain and confusion for my child.

If you don’t feel like clicking into that article, it goes into the short vs. long term change in behavior. Yes, a child will stop doing what will get them hit, but this won’t change long term behavior. This can lead to anxiety, depression, anti-social behavior, low self-esteem, impaired cognitive ability, and negative parent-child relationships. It causes higher levels of hormones that can lead to toxic stress. It teaches aggression instead of problem solving. Families that punish this way have also been connected to intergenerational cycles of abuse.

Think about what it means in a deeper sense. I’ll make it personal. I remember the first time I was slapped across the face. I felt shocked and shamed. Aside from the physical pain, and ringing in my ears, it was a moment of feeling like I couldn’t trust the person I loved. In that moment, all trust was broken. I could no longer turn to this person if I was in pain, because they had caused me more pain, embarrassment and mistrust than I had ever experienced before. You might argue that a slap across the face is extreme and unrelated to a swat on the butt. I would counter that any comparison is pointless, because these feelings are subjective. They are felt and experienced by each person, in each situation, differently.

Time Outs and Neglect

I had an eye opening moment when I took a closer look at time-outs. I put my children in a corner to think about what they did, but they forgot about what they did, and I often forgot before I let them out. I wasn’t in their head to see what they were thinking about and used that time to pick up around the house or tend to one of my other children.

I was teaching my kids that isolation and alienation were a normal part of loving relationships. I was teaching them that my punishment was more important than holding space for them to communicate why they might have been acting out and what their needs were.

I learned to do things differently. There were times when they were younger and fighting over a toy. That toy had to be put on time out. We’d put the toy aside, sit and discuss the best way we could approach the situation so the ball could be a fun way to play together, instead of causing fights.

Meltdowns and Tantrums

My boys are older and able to communicate but the last tantrum I had in my home came with a lengthy discussion once my son calmed town.

First, I feel compelled to explain that there’s a difference between the two. A meltdown is when we’re physically unable to manage how we feel. This looks a lot like a tantrum, but a tantrum is a form of manipulation. A tantrum is the same set of behaviors to get something desired. A meltdown will happen even if you give in.

Dealing with a tantrum or meltdown is the exact same for me. It means I don’t do much. I sit next to my son, saying nothing. I hold a safe space while he falls apart. When they were younger, meltdowns came with self harm. They would hit themselves or bang their little heads on the ground. I would hold my child so he couldn’t harm himself and soothe him by reminding him I was there, or just say nothing, while holding him in safety. Once the crying stopped, I offered water and sat with him. When he was ready to talk, we would talk. It often came with a hug, thank you, and a bit of self beat up for being a bad kid. There was a lot of redirection. It’s never bad to express how they feel.

I would apologize for not reading their mind, and being a bit helpless in preventing the situation from getting so far. I would ask them to speak up about their needs, because I don’t have that superpower. This lets them know I want to help and the power is really in their hands. This would often lead them to say how they feel, or why they felt this way. It allowed them the safety to communicate. This does not mean they automatically get what they want. It just means I listen when they are calm enough to talk.

My kids now know I will not be manipulated through tears. If they want something, they tell me what they want. We discuss it. I give a yes or no, but it comes with an explanation. Sometimes it’s not a financial priority. Sometimes I don’t think they’re mature enough, or maybe, it’s not a healthy or safe choice. I set boundaries and give explanations that let him know I listened to him, and the decision isn’t just about saying no because I can.

Just this weekend, my Kid2 asked for a BB gun. I reminded him that we had a few at home that are in storage because they last time they had them (a few years ago), my kitchen window was sacrificed at close range while I was at work. Once I pick up a hay bale in town this week, they’ll come back out and we’ll set up some targets. It’ll be fun. He didn’t get the gun. He was told why he didn’t. We’ll find a way to pull them out together and enjoy that space as a family in our backyard this week.

Being Grounded or Taking Things Away

This wasn’t something that worked for me. Long after the behavior (often the very next day), my kids and I couldn’t remember why they were punished in the first place. It taught them to tally up the wrongs committed, and didn’t allow us to move forward as if we faced each new day as a new opportunity. They never remembered what they did, only that I was angry and took away what they wanted.

All three of my boys are highly intelligent, and it wasn’t about forgetting something important. They were often grounded for unimportant things. Kid3 took pleasure in decoding the specific diction I used, and found ways to circumvent my punishments. I couldn’t be angry for him proving the ways he outsmarted me.

Allowing them to Speak

Communication is taught. Growing children means we are continuously working on teaching them to be independent of us, but it often means trying to teach them to be just like us. I have to work on reminding the kids that I want to know what they think or feel because I don’t know. I can’t always speak for them, because I don’t always know what they want to hear. This starts small.

What flavor ice cream do you want?

What do you want on your sandwich?

Where do you want to sit?

Where do you want to go?

I can’t make all the decisions all of the time, or they won’t know how to speak up for what they want, and will expect someone to make a choice they can live with. This is a constant complaint for men in the dating world.

“Where do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know.”

Has she ever been asked and not persuaded to do what she didn’t want to do before? Does her word automatically mean more than your mood? These are taught behaviors and as a Mom, I get to teach my kids differently. It’s work though.

Since we moved to Bakersfield in October, I had been getting Panda Express for the boys, and El Pollo Loco for me. It’s about what is gluten free, and what isn’t. Just last night, Kid1 finally told me he doesn’t like Panda Express and would prefer El Pollo Loco. For months, he had been eating what he didn’t like. It’s kinda like watching his Mom eat Island’s or In N Out for years, and not enjoying it. I gave him a shitty example as a wife to his Dad.

We compromise on food orders. We all agree, or we choose a different restaurant.

Sometimes they don’t want to talk. Sometimes it’s enough for them to listen. I dropped Kid1 off with his Dad today, and in parting told him I would totally miss the deep, connected and intentional conversations we don’t have. He tried so hard not to laugh, he had to cover his smile with his t-shirt. Sometimes, that has to be enough.

Allowing

So often we have it in our heads that kids should behave or play in specific ways. This isn’t the best way to learn things. We need the flexibility to explore things to understand them. This is why babies put everything in their mouths, and why young children ask so many questions. This is why people in charge of the user experience of apps and websites are paid as much as they are. We need to be able to play and figure things out on our own, relying on our parents for support when we need it, and that isn’t all the time.

Let them make messes and allow them to first approach cleaning up. Ask if they need help, but don’t force it on them. Giving them space to figure it out and being close enough to support them if needed is the best way to help them learn and grow.

This teaches them independence, but also to trust themselves. This self trust will support them in recognizing red flags from others.

Praise

Praise is a way of life. You see something good, it won’t cost you anything to point it out. This can be a stranger’s hair, a server’s great attitude, or your man child doing his own laundry without needing a reminder. Catch your kids being good and call it out. That recognition will go a long way in making them want to repeat the good behavior. It’s normal to get called out for the bad, but people work so much harder when the possibility of a compliment is around the corner.

I’m not the best parent. I wouldn’t want to be. That would give me way too much to get lazy about. I have kids that are compassionate and empathetic. I have loving young men in my home that are learning to speak up for themselves and how to be better people. There is peace and joy in my home, and my kids love to game together and help each other out all the time. I’m just passing on what we do to get there.