Imagine thinking you have all things covered because you are doing it all. You’re taking care of yourself and maybe even others. Then one small thing gets tossed on the pile you are managing, and it’s just enough to force everything to collapse. Did you really have things covered?

That was part of my last therapy conversation. I bet a lot of people think they have things covered when really they need more help.

I have personal examples.

Insurance License

I once got an insurance license to sell life insurance, and didn’t realize my anxiety wouldn’t allow me to sell anything. Fast forward to when that license expired. I let someone else convince me I could sell medicare plans. I took continuing education classes and paid the fees to get my license reinstated. They set up a table for me at my local Walmart. It should have been like shooting fish in a barrel. Seniors on medicare would love the extra perks of managed care, right? It took one conversation with a man that suggested I go to his house to have a full conversation. This was an expected part of the role. I went home and couldn’t leave my house for a few days. My anxiety kicked my ass.

Las Vegas

I had an anxiety attack the last time I went to Las Vegas in 2015. I haven’t gone back, but I need to get it together for a wedding I won’t miss in 2025.

The Cat Horde

If you follow my social media, you might know about the cat horde. One day shortly after moving to Bakersfield, I noticed the dog food had been disappearing at night because of a horde of stray cats that walked into my life. I started feeding them on purpose. As my symptoms spiraled and my income declined, I had to let go of the cat horde. I couldn’t keep up with feeding them. They have happily moved on to other back yards, but every so often a kitten will end up in my back yard.

The last kitten I’ve adopted was clearly too little to fend for herself, so I took her in. It was just food, right? I planned to eventually get her fixed and get her shots, when I could. Well, now I have six kittens that will need new homes. If you’re in Bakersfield or Los Angeles, let me know if you’re interested. They’re free to good homes as soon as they’re weaned off. It’ll be a while. They are just learning to play with each other.

I thought I had it covered by doing the bare minimum of keeping them fed, and in fresh kitty litter, but I don’t. Cats require shots and fertility care.

Working through Grief

I was working full time. I worked right through the passing of my Step-Dad and Dad, only taking time off for the days of their passing and funerals. (My job didn’t offer any kind of bereavement leave.)I was struggling with acid reflux (which can lead to cancer, so get that sorted with your doctor). I was self soothing with an occasional drink after work, and over spending for the endorphins. There was a management change and a boss of three months triggered my complex PTSD so bad that my doctor needed to put me off work to get my symptoms under control.

If I had it together, did I really?

Fast forward to now. My acid reflux is under control. I drink to unwind instead of escape. I’m in therapy and getting help. My major symptom feels like anxiety. It is still sometimes out of control. It comes with exhaustion after dealing with extreme anxiety. I can sleep a day away because I’m tired, not to avoid life. There’s other stuff going on, but a simple google search on Complex PTSD symptoms will probably get you covered. Usually I can work and live through them, but lately it’s been out of control, although things are improving. The question becomes, when will I be healthy enough to function freely? I don’t know. Still working on that.

I’ve had complex PTSD for years. If you know me personally for at least the last 30 years, you’ve known me while I’ve been struggling with my symptoms. It hasn’t alway been this debilitating, but it’s become more than something I can manage through the DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skills I need to strengthen or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). This whole website kinda goes through my journey with CBT, but I’m working on mindfulness and meditation to help me through activating situations. Currently, I’m probably better than I’ve been since 2020, but there’s always that fear that a little drop on my current load will put me out of commission again.

Again, it begs the question, if you are managing to do things just fine, is it an illusion if things fall between the cracks or one more thing can destroy what you’ve built up? I don’t think so. I think sometimes we need to ask for help and hopefully this is a reminder that we can do hard things, but we never have to do them alone. It goes back to that window of tolerance I blogged about before.

It’s never too late to ask for help, and keep on asking for help as if your life might depend on it.