Every few months, a friend will reach out because she’s made the decision to end a toxic marriage through divorce. There’s been 6 friends this year. All fiercely amazing women that will find their bliss. They reach out because they know I’ve walked the journey they are starting on. By all accounts, I’m living my best life. I’m generally happy. The only stress is the amount of work it takes to pay the bills that keep my kids comfortable and happy. I work long hours to pay the bills and could use a few house repairs. Beyond that, I really am living the dream, post divorce. This doesn’t make me the Divorce Whisperer. I haven’t even read her book. Or the Divorce Diva’s. I’ve only been through this once, but it was such a huge deal after 15 years when it seemed to come out of nowhere, and I was very public about the details on Facebook. My tribe fell apart and I was so alone, and didn’t want to talk. I was that hot mess that no one wanted to look at for too long, but couldn’t look away from. And then I figured out my divorce was one of the greatest gifts my ex husband gave me. Once was enough, but I’m happy to share my lessons on that one time I very publicly got divorced.
Not every divorce will be like mine. Some really great humans commit to a conscious uncoupling. They part ways amicably after and during therapy. They find ways to stabilize their situation for the sake of the kids. I love you people, but I’m probably not talking to you.
When I was first going through the separation, my sister and others told me that I was stronger than I thought I was. No one mentioned the anger and loneliness. No one mentioned how weird it is to suddenly notice that people are noticing you. The sexual part of me that I thought had died was suddenly getting noticed and after years of facing spousal backlash for someone else being attracted to me, I had no idea how to react. It was an emotional and confusing time. Our inner strength is there, but it might be dormant. It has to be awakened and that awakening can be painful and terrifying. In simple words, yes, you are stronger than you think you are. You are also on a journey that can be beautiful.
My experience was painful and messy. It was emotionally abusive on both sides. There was narcissistic abuse. Financial abuse. Gaslighting. . . I’m still triggered by random things that will cause a somatic response. In simple words, I will sometimes be in the middle of something that feels ordinary and safe, but it reminds me on a cellular level of something dangerous in my past. My body will seize up and put me on full alert.
I’ll step back a second though. It wasn’t until I met a man that checked off all boxes in the DSM (the DSM is a standard classification of mental disorders, used by mental health professionals in the USA) that I realized not every selfish person is a narcissist. We’re all cable of narcissistic abuse, but that could be survival instincts while we learned our anxious and avoidant attachment styles as children. We can unlearn this behavior. Narcissists can’t and sometimes they just don’t want to. It’s a huge world of a difference. Hopefully that offers you a little peace of mind as well. Your judgement wasn’t as bad as it seems if your spouse suddenly looks like a monster you don’t recognize.
Let’s start with your ex
It’s natural to go through all of the emotions you may be experiencing. You are grieving. Feel free to google Kulber-Ross. This is a process that is well documented. You are grieving the marriage, the person, the plans you made for your lives. There are seven stages and they’re all normal. Be angry. Be sad or depressed (this is when my divorce diet kicked in and I lost a lot of weight). Bargain. Be happy. Accept it. And expect that you’ll go through some stages repeatedly and there really isn’t an order to these stages.
As far as is possible (barring custody issues), I suggest you go no contact. In abusive relationships, the most dangerous time is when you are trying to end the relationship. If you have to stay in contact, use the gray rock method. This means you become as uninteresting as possible. Don’t react or rise to their comments or behaviors. When you become fully uninteresting, they are forced to look else where for their supply of constant attention that they need.
Then forgive. It’s not about telling them you forgive them, but forgiving them so it no longer sits on your heart.
Forgive the other person. Forgive yourself for what you accepted in life. Forgive the family and friends that chose sides.
I used to wake up in the middle of the night and I would just repeat, “I forgive myself. I forgive him,” over and over until I fell asleep. I didn’t feel it, but eventually that internal speak came true. He’s occasionally the butt of my jokes, but I forgave him years ago, and I’m happy with my life and our lack of communication now. I wish him the best.
This concept has been a life changing thing for me. It allows me to accept that not everything is meant for me. If something is released, I have learned to let it go and enjoy the spaces in between. I say this with relationships, but the universe has had to teach me the same lesson with jobs.
Release
When I say release, I mean release it all. Release what you want the other person to do. Release wondering about them. Release the energy you poured into them. You may have been praying over their life. You may have been cheering on their career. You might have been concerned about their health. Let it go. You get to turn all of that focus and energy on yourself. Pray for your dreams. Focus on your goals.
You’ll begin to realize that a lot of the things you chose while you were together was a compromise you no longer have to make. What music do you listen to when you’re alone? What foods do you enjoy? Where do you spend your free time? We compromise a lot in relationships and now you have no one to compromise for, and no one that can tell you, “no.”
You can’t catch the life that is meant for you, if you’re holding on to what is no longer serving you.
Release the idea that their behavior is your fault. This is a fun one. It’s where I realized that I’m the only person responsible for my joy in life. You aren’t responsible for their actions, feelings or behaviors. They are not responsible for yours. How we’re doing on any given day is our responsibility, and if we choose to remain in something that doesn’t serve us, the ways we act out how we feel will sometimes make us behave in ways we don’t recognize.
A friend once told me about cheating on her spouse. She was so upset because this was out of character for her. She felt like she destroyed who she was. She was self medicating through a terrible situation in her marriage instead of speaking up for her needs. She was self sabotaging because the relationship she thought she wanted was giving her pain and anxiety. Let that shit go. She’s now happily remarried to someone that doesn’t make her feel like she needs to escape.
Post Divorce Dating
You get the chance at a do-over! Sort of. Unless you resolve your untreated childhood traumas, you will continue to do-over the same things that got you on the path to divorce in the first place. If you have healthy attachment styles, I would suggest scrolling. It won’t make sense to you. You might also be in denial, so keep reading.
A natural response to trauma is to relive it until you can fix or understand it. It sounds crazy, but it also makes sense if you think about it. This might be why you have a type. This might be why your new boyfriend reminds you a little of someone you used to know. Your subconscious is looking for patterns. The familiar ones seem familiar and safe. They pique your interest. They’ll say things and do things and it sparks something carnal and deep. I still have to learn that the familiar ones tend to be dangerous to me.
For me, the safe ones are a little too safe. They’re boring. I can’t do vanilla men or sex and knowing what I do about coercive control and psychological abuse makes me see red flags in all the men I want to get to know. If you’re following closely, I don’t actually date. I swipe online. I freak out at any attention directed my way. I know my picker is broken and healing, so I’m cautious.
At the same time, my interests have shifted. I’m not interested in men that aren’t interested in me. Every ex that reached out after we broke up brought up something they missed. It was usually my body, or something my body did. No one missed my conversation or thoughts. I’m intentional in paying attention to who leads our conversations and what we talk about when I’m getting to know someone. It helps to keep it platonic at first. If you run into someone with incredible Devil Dick, you’ll ignore all of those red flags.
This brings me to the next point.
Play Time
Get comfortable with adult toys. Get comfortable with back ups to those adult toys. Get comfortable with the things that bring you pleasure and enjoy that as often as you like. Some people are comfortable with using people for sex. As I’ve done the self healing work, I’m less capable of keeping my feelings separate. I found a lot of men only have sex to offer. They might have a job, but that has little to do with his desire to take care of you. Find the balance that works for you.
It’s not just about sex, (although I enjoy my orgasms). It’s about being playful and enjoying the life you’re creating. Find your passions and set them ablaze. Find the things that make you feel joy and make space for that as often as you can. (And if it’s sex, I highly recommend sucking vibrators.)
There are some incredible people in the world. I know many really great men. I’m just not dating them. And you won’t get to know them if it becomes a dick appointment. My avoidant attachment style doesn’t want anything I can have too easily anyway. Get to know them and find the ones that treat you like they want to get to know you and would love to see you smile. Wait for that.
Self Esteem
My self esteem took a major dive with my divorce. I compared myself to my replacement. My ex husband along with her had me convinced I was a terrible mother and physically unattractive. Once I got past the idea of being uncomfortable dating, I was really seeking outside validation.
I realized the men I was dating weren’t into validating me, as much as getting me to show them what a throat without tonsils might feel like.
I started really looking at myself. I spent time in front of a mirror with nothing on when I had shared custody. Now I do it in my bedroom when I need a boost. At first it was about growing numb to seeing myself and then the voices of my ex husband and his trollop in my head were slowly fading.
Something else happened though. I started to really appreciate the way my body looked. At first it was framed by the ways my body has supported me through my life. It was the near misses on my life. It was the children I brought into the world. It was the way my mind and body try to protect myself when I’m perfectly safe but fully triggered. I started to see the beauty in my body and my face.
If you scroll my social media, you’ll see so many vapid selfie moments. These are moments when I love the way I look and I celebrate it with a selfie. Don’t bother digging too deep though. I’m fully clothed in all of them. I love my body and I’m usually fully confident, but there are still parts of me I reserve for myself.
This isn’t about how you look to anyone else, but yourself. You should know you’re gorgeous . People choose what they enjoy looking at. Your ex wanted to make sure no one else had access to you when you married. You might imagine that your spouse only liked the way you looked once upon a time, but mature love grows on more than looks. Gaining or losing weight doesn’t make you less beautiful and there are a lot of people that prefer natural curves. Love the body you have. I promise there are plenty of people that would love your shape, no matter what that shape may be.
Gaslighting
I feel the section on self esteem leads us to gaslighting. Gaslighting makes you have a hard time trusting yourself. It’s about being told your perceptions are wrong. I still struggle with this form of mental abuse. If you spend time talking to me, there are days when I apologize for anything and everything I didn’t even do. I feel responsible for everything that can go wrong. I have a hard time trusting myself.
I don’t have an instant remedy, but what has been working for me is to remind myself of the many ways I can trust myself. I trust myself to pay my bills. I trust myself to make sure I have groceries for my family. I trust that I know what’s best for me and my family. Reminding myself of the many things I know I can trust myself with, allows me to trust myself in bigger things. Some days I’m emotionally bottomed out and it’s hard to remember, but most days I know who I am and I feel confident.
You are the prayers and legacy of your entire bloodline. You carry the backbone of those people before you. You are the strength of generations that have been broken, and endured. You are their tenacity and their hope. Straighten your posture. Hold your head high. You are the current expression of beauty and strength in generations of your family. Carry yourself as if they’ve been praying for you, before you were born. The people that have tried to break you, wouldn’t have bothered if you were as small and broken as they tried to convince you they are. You can’t pull down what is already below you.
Rediscover yourself
Find your happy place. It could be in good food. For a while, it was lingerie and perfume. It was jewelry. Right now it’s getting out in nature for quiet time. The better my mental health is, the less I rely on retail therapy. Find the things that make you happy and celebrate them. Find the things that bring you peace and bring more of that into your life. You might meet someone that enjoys the same things you do when you’re out doing what makes you happy.
Or maybe it’s time to take yourself on dates and just enjoy the peace of creating your home to be a safe respite from the world. Maybe you want plants and cream colored everything. Do you, Boo. You have this. You’ll discover how well you can manage this, soon enough.