Lead with Love

In life, I've learned that people either love or hate me.  There's no in-between.  If there is, they are too indifferent to let me know.  Despite this, I still feel we should lead with love. 

I'm very human, and no, this is not an easy request or suggestion. 

Some people are givers and give love, no matter what. 

I'm sure that like me, you can think of people in your life that just want to see you smile.  They're happy that you are near them.  They love you no matter what you do and always make space for you in their lives and where they can. These people should be loved right back because sharing your love feels so much better when it's reciprocated and acknowledged.  Love them out of selfishness because it's good for you too.

I would also suggest that you love selflessly.  When you give love in the way you need to receive it, are you offering it to make you feel better, or are you offering it to fill them up? It fills up rather than falls short when you can give your love in a way that your object of affection can receive it. My kid3 needs me to spend time doing things with him.  I'm happy in silent company, but he needs direct interaction.  I'm not giving him the love he needs if I'm giving it in the way I can receive it. 

Some people are takers.  They can't help it. 

There are those that remember to call you when they need you for something.  They know you are dependable and capable of filling their needs. They are often selfish and lack basic empathetic abilities.  They will care for their needs without realizing you might have the same exact ones.  They won't mother you into a full belly and physical warmth.  It won't occur to them that you might want what they're having.  They need your love because the selfishness they are living in isn't filling their voids.  These people are takers. Your love and compassion might make that lightbulb go off one day, but they may never see how giving is the best way to receive. 

With this group, it's important to offer your love with solid boundaries.  Love doesn't mean offering yourself as a gift, no matter what.  Take care of your needs because they won't, but also love them . . .  At arm’s length, and while remembering that the word "no" is a complete sentence and one they can learn to understand.  On some level, it's important to acknowledge that they are giving you the very best they can offer you.  It's okay to decide their best isn't even the lowest possible measure of "good enough" for you. It's not okay to take responsibility for their short comings, or feel that it's your fault.  Even if it's your child, or lover, or partner . . . The ways they fall short are not your responsibility.  Just love them while setting boundaries to protect yourself. 

The next groups are where I really want you to focus.

Some people don't affect your daily life, but that doesn't mean you don't affect theirs. 

These are the people you don't know, or spend little time with.  These are the people you are indifferent to.  You don't love them.  You don't hate them.  They are just there.  This group can include your co-workers or classmates.  Maybe you see them at church or the local coffee shop filled with regulars that occupy favorite seats, and nod in acknowledgement when they hear you know the same lingo.  This could be your server at a restaurant.  I encourage you to be intentional in your interactions with them.  You don't know them. I get that.  You don't know if their interaction with you could change their life.  A smile.  A sentence.  A different perspective.  So much could be given by not ignoring someone's existence.  What if your brief acknowledgement could save a life? Sometimes it only takes a smile with eye contact.

I have a great friend who was once contemplating dropping out of high school.  I don't remember what I said, but I remembered years later when she told me what I said was enough to convince her to pull through and finish high school. She's now so accomplished in her career and very successful in life.  You never know what you are placed in someone's path to do, but what if being yourself could be the difference they needed?  What if you could save a life without even trying? 

Some people try to hurt you or make you angry. What about them? 

For these people, let’s take the focus off the people.  

I have both hated and been hated.  It's part of the life I get to live.  I'll start with being hated.  

I have an ex and when you spend half a lifetime, building a life, but then split it all apart, there will be people on both sides.  Some will defend me.  Some will defend him.  Both sides will form opinions based on the version of the truth that sounds closest to what they know based on their own histories in love and life.  No one gets that involved in someone else’s affairs unless they are looking to pin their own heart to it and find some semblance of closure on their own lost love. People that were once easily considered friends are now careful to not pick sides.  It happens.

Then there's my personality. I tend to be optimistic.  The glass on my desk isn't carrying coffee, and you could argue it's empty, but it's filled with the air I get to breathe.  In a million ways, the air I breathe is more important than the coffee I don't always drink. On top of that, it's refillable.  My ability to find the bright side doesn't always sit well with others.  I can be downright obnoxious to some, and I'm too happy to care if it bothers them.  

It used to bother me.  What others thought or would say about me used to mean so very much. One day I thought about why it bothers me.  I tried to think about the hate directed at me and how it really affects me.  

Do they pay my bills or keep me fed? No.  

Is it possible that distance makes them irrelevant to my life? Totally.

Do I call on them for wisdom or advice? No.  I really don't. 

So why does it matter? It really doesn't.

There was an afternoon at the beach with crashing waves and a setting sun.  I was stalling before heading to an empty home as it was a custody swap day.  I realized it's up to me to decide who I wanted to be.  It was up to me to decide on my hobbies, and interests.  I loved people watching on the pier and taking a nap just before the sunset so I could watch it alone. I could eat what I wanted, dining alone in a restaurant and not worried that I'm with a lousy tipper or sloppy lush.  I could sleep in the nude and hog all the blankets.  I could pick up a cigar and smoke it.  I could quit after a half of it was gone. I could do what felt good to me and I could live the life I wanted to live.  I was buying my own jewelry and lingerie. I was picking out flowers to take home.  I really loved who I was as a single woman, compared to me as a wife, and I was living how I wanted to live. When something wasn't working, I reminded myself that I'm not a tree. I get to move. If at the end of the day, I love the life I lead, why does it matter if I don't have someone else's approval? That's when I gave myself permission to go get my life. 

When I started to look at life this way, I began to really have pity on those that hate me.  I typically don't take credit for how others feel or what they do.  I just don't have that kind of power and I'm okay with that.  As I would live my life, whispers of what was said about me would get back to me. In their hate, I was living happily. For the most part I was unaware of their existence or hate.

What about those that I really don’t want to love.

What about people that have hurt and angered you? Remember that admission about being human? I don't always shoot for love. Some days I remind myself of a conversation with that same friend from above.  She told me I can't be angry with ignorant people.  I could pity them.  I try my best to be compassionate.  I have loved many men that were often angry with the world and themselves. I've learned that when they are hurting the most, they lash out and try to hurt others.  I've learned to look at their behavior to see what hurt them so much that they would have to lash out at others.  It's not easy, but it's possible.  

Think about it.  Is your first reaction to hurt others? Personally, it's not.  I'm more implosive and will hurt myself before hurting others.  When I do get to the point where I want to hurt others, I often scare myself.  I'm not meant to contain so much hurt, anger and hate.  No one is.  The strongest emotions within will make their way out of your mouth.  Your actions will match your words.  Before that is a choice.  Decide what you believe and your feelings will follow.  

So, again, offer compassion.  And again, protect yourself.  When I say to lead with love, I'm not saying to offer yourself as a ready victim.  Self-love means loving yourself enough to protect yourself.  There’s no reason to stay in a situation where you are someone’s punching bag.  There are help resources everywhere.  Feel free to use one. But attacking your attacker only spreads hate and anger.  Most of my attacks are verbal.  I can hang up the phone.  I can walk away.  I realize not everyone is as lucky as that.  

Again, it wasn't always this way.  

There was a woman that helped my husband walk away from our marriage.  I remember hating her so much.  So much anger and pain was poured into who she was.  I kept reading and replaying the texts she sent to me from my husband’s phone. 

“You’re physically unattractive . . . You’re a terrible mother and wife. . . You deserve for your husband to leave you.” 

It’s been years, but I remember it. And don’t worry, I threw my own rocks her way. 

I poured so much hate into her, obsessing over her social profiles.  I wanted to know what she was doing with my kids and how often she was alone with my husband. 

At one point I realized she probably wasn't thinking of me as much as I was thinking of her.  As much as I hated the things she said to me, and the way she made her home between a husband and wife, it took a while to realize he wanted her to. He gave her his phone and told her our stories. 

At that point, there wasn't much to fight with her over.  I was so determined to remain loyal that for a year, I refused to blame him.  I blamed her. I wanted to be a wife that was willing to wait for the husband that left her.  But there were lessons in that.  Over the year, I forgave him.  I would wake in the middle of the night and repeat to myself that I forgave him until I fell asleep again.  One day, I stopped hating her.  I’ll never send her Christmas cards.  But I don’t hate her.  Again, I realized that she was probably living her life, primarily unaware of my existence. 

In anger I was the one agitated and stressed.  I was the one feeling physical discomfort.  I was the one stuck in a past that was no longer my reality. My anger didn’t serve me.  I began to pity her and really tried for compassion. Imagine squinting in a way that you can almost see what someone else does.  That’s what it was like.  I realized there was something about my marriage that demanded her attention. She needed to make someone else’s husband feel better about life and found being his support person and replacing his wife was the best way to do it.  For her to need to do that, she probably had a situation in her life that helped her relate to our situation. For her to need to fix our marriage in her way, probably gave her a sense of empowerment over her own history.  For my husband to choose her as a best friend, even though she has a husband was a big change in the lives of my whole family.  My kids are still reeling from it all. And that is sad to me.  I still dig deep for compassion, but I no longer hate her.   I no longer consider him my husband. We don't talk so my guesses may be way off base.  I want to care enough to find out, but I don't.  

It is what we’ve made it, and I choose to accept it.  At the same time, I couldn’t have grown as much as I have without her coming into my life and helping me experience raw hate and malevolence. 

Choose love.  Choose compassion and empathy.  Release and let go and you’ll be ready to catch what is coming.