Fun fact: this post was started in 2017. I wasn’t in a healthy enough space to share my coping skills. I was still figuring things out. I wasn’t sure I could get through it. I was writing because I needed the encouragement. This year, I’m honestly starting to look forward to it. My marriage ended in 2015. This Christmas will be my fifth year waking up to an empty house.
I’d be lying if I said this was an easy handful of years. It hasn’t been. We can do this though. We’re stronger than we think we are.
Sharing your kids for the holidays can be hard, but it doesn't have to be. As my siblings and I started marrying off, my Mom switched our holiday traditions from Christmas Day to Christmas Eve. She wanted to see us but she also wanted to make space for us to see our in-laws each holiday. This was how she navigated sharing custody of her adult children. She made space in a way that guides me now.
I wasn’t always a single Mom. Our traditions were created as our families blended. A shifting family dynamic away from that is hard. A lot of what you did as a family can't be done anymore. In my situation and for many people, it's not just the couple that ends their relationship. I lost connections to most of the family I had for 15 years, friends we shared, and all my camping equipment. (Still torn up about the camping gear.) In all honesty, I still can't find it in me to send out Christmas cards. (I am replacing that camping gear.) The best way to survive the holidays as a single mom is for me to embrace our new normal. Fighting what is, won’t make it better. (Trust me, I’ve tried.)
Decide on new traditions. The beauty of single mom life is that I get to run my house how I want to. I can decide we’ll get our tree closer to Christmas so it's less likely to be dead by Christmas Day. Or I can use a pre-lit tree and save the cost and pine needles each year. I get to choose all blue lights and maybe they'll be all white (it depends on how good the after Christmas sales are). I can ignore the Advent Calendar I always forgot anyway. I can make cookies or maybe Santa wants chili and gluten free beer.
Give yourself permission to not have to do it all. I was overwhelmed with creating a holiday meal and then spending a day and a half, chopping things and cooking them, with a bunch of dishes in between. It took a few years to learn that my kids didn’t like the many different dishes I cooked for their Dad. The kids will have their lists and expectations, but they aren't blind to our day to day lives. They see our sacrifices. Trust that they see more than you want them to and they really will be okay if you don't give them all they ask for. This year, my kids made me beg for their list, and I had to assure them nothing would make me happier than to come through for them. It’s not hard to sell the truth.
Be flexible. The kids will want to experience the best of both worlds. Mom's house. Dad's house. They are expecting a great time at both houses and they may want more or less time with you. I try to give my kids the space they need. As much as I want to have things my way, I'm happier if I let go and find my bliss in other ways. When I have them, I get to hear their laughter and enjoy them.
Self care is very important. Take naps if you want. Cry if you need to. Go out and catch a movie. See some friends. Hijack their holidays. They’ll offer space at their table because most people won’t want you to be alone. Your time is special, so feel free to be discerning about who to give it to.
Treat yourself. As a mom, it's so easy to make sure I do all I can for the boys, leaving my needs and wants as the very last priority. My first Christmas after the separation, I wasn’t going to buy anything for myself. My budget was tight. I realized how hard it would be for my kids to see me not have anything to open under the tree. Was I so bad that I didn’t even get coal in my stocking? I’ve learned to love shopping for my own presents. I buy what I want and carefully wrap it. When my kids open their gifts, I open my own, saving one or two for Christmas morning when they’re with their Dad. I’m okay with never smiling through a shitty gift again.
Celebrate! My feet have been dragging. I just started my holiday shopping today (7 days until my boys open presents) and I’ll put the tree up Thursday. Life is busy and hectic and lately home looks really good for sleeping. I will wake up to an empty house on Christmas Day but I also get to sleep in and open the presents I got to pick out and buy for myself. I will celebrate in a way that is meaningful to me. It could mean sleeping in, or mimosas all day. It could mean hiking or a road trip. It’s what I want to do to celebrate the joy of the season.
Consider what makes the holiday special for you. Let go of what you can’t control but be as detailed as you can, in creating something special to you. You’ll be back to a full house with too much noise, in no time.