What are you feeling? Could it be stress or depression?
Are you in the middle of fight or flight? Sometimes the smallest nudge makes me want to hurt someone. Other times, I want to avoid things all together and pretend they don’t exist. There’s also freezing. It happens when I’m too triggered to do anything. I can’t go or stop and defend myself. I can’t even react. I’m frozen.
Is it hard to do simple tasks like showering or getting up to feed yourself? Are you having headaches or body aches? Is your energy low? Is your stomach upset? How are you sleeping and are you often sick? Are you feeling anxiety? Is that occasional drink now getting you through each day because that’s how you self medicate?
Have you tried removing yourself from people or situations that make you feel these things?
It might be time to talk to a doctor or therapist. There are many helplines you can call for your specific needs and I have some listed on my home page. In the meantime, I hope to help with this post.
Who are you?
It’s a simple question but let’s stretch it out a bit. You are not your job, your home, your income, or relationships. You are where you find your compassion and empathy. It’s where you find your hope and solidify your resilience. You are evolutionary success. You are a bloodline and heritage that has survived the good and bad of your family history. You are more than what you do. You are more than who you know. You are everything that matters.
Dream Big
The small dreams you think are safe and enough are limiting your imagination. The inability to dream big and set goals that take steps toward your dreams limits the amazing you’re capable of. It limits what others would get from how big and fantastic you really are. Step forward into fear, instability and outside of your comfort zone because stepping back into safety means it’s comfortable and if you’re stressed in your comfort zone, it’s not all that comfortable. Do the big thing and know that it means you might fail. Get comfortable with the idea of failure because that big gamble that means you might lose, might also mean you’re going to win big.
Where does stress start?
For me, it’s in the liminal space or disconnect between where I am and where I want to be. It’s taken a really long time to realise it, but being overwhelmed is a gift. It lets you know you’re out of your comfort zone. It’s a physical reaction to being ready to stretch and launch into something that can be powerful. You want to feel like you don’t know what you’re doing because when you know what you’re doing, you’re going to get the same results you always have. It can look like stress, but coping with stress is how you get through it.
How do you measure stress?
You can’t really measure stress. You can’t pour it into a measuring cup. You can’t step on a scale and say, yes, that was that extra 3 pounds I felt on my shoulders. You can’t give it to someone. You can’t take it in pill form. I’m big on pills, but medications treat the symptoms we experience. I don’t take a pain pill for a headache because I needed a little extra acetaminophen in my diet. It’s not a deficiency. At the same time, it’s a better compromise than to struggle through my day in pain.
Stress comes in direct relation to what you can control.
I’ve blogged about controlling your reaction. I even have a Facebook Live video about it. The truth is there isn’t much in life we can control. My favorite example is binge drinking. It’s been decades but I can remember it. I can commit to drinking so much that I forget how to walk, but my body won’t allow that. If I’m not vomiting, I’m passing out. I literally can’t keep in what I want to keep drinking because my body has more control than I do. In the morning, I will likely end up with diarrhea. I have a weak stomach. They call it the runs because you often have to run to the bathroom. You can’t time these things. When you’re constipated, you can’t force it either. You literally can’t control the shit in your body. What you can control is your reaction to the many things life hands you.
I’ll be happy when . . .
You can’t decide happiness comes when something meaningful comes to you. There will always be something greater on the horizon that is out of reach. Consider one of your greatest successes in life. Hold that while thinking of one of your greatest failures. Think of the taste in your mouth. It’s about the same, right? The taste of success and the taste of failure still tastes like you might want a breath mint. (I’m still sipping my coffee right now.) The taste in your mouth tastes like you. You are the constant in the equation. Love yourself where you are, every single day. Loving yourself right now, good and bad, takes away the power of being happy when something external happens.
You don’t need those shoes, that raise, that car. You need you, as you are, and growing better each day.
Be Present!
If you’re experiencing time as something that’s dragging on, then you’re focused on the past. You are in this moment, right now. You’re reading a blog post.
If you’re experiencing a lack of time, you’re feeling like you are living in the future. Breathe in this moment. What can you smell. Are you hungry or thirsty?
Be in the moment. Feel the sun on your skin. Listen to the sounds around you.
Life happens for you.
It’s so easy to get caught up in what happened to you. My car battery died on my way to work one day. After getting a jump start, I took it to the dealership and they dropped me off at work, later picking me up. I could bemoan the inconvenience, but it died in time for me to take advantage of my warranty. There’s always a silver lining, and often that silver lining is the thread that pulls you into something greater than what you were about to have.
Shift from what you have to do to what you get to do.
My commute to work is usually at least an hour to an hour and a half, both ways. It’s typically all bumper to bumper traffic. At the same time, I get to go to work and provide for my family. I get an hour to rock out to my favorite music without someone wanting to change the station. I get to make phone calls or blow bubbles out the window. It means time alone to my thoughts and a space to decompress from rushing out the door with kids or the rush of the work I do during the week. Traffic is my friend.
Decide it’s just not a priority.
Time is a choice. What we do with our time is important, so we need to decide the order of importance of the things we commit to. Look at the many things you commit to with a critical eye, and look at what you’re putting off. When I look at the annual physical I keep putting off, I phrase it as a priority.
Try it with other things. “I’m sorry I can’t make it to your bake sale. It’s just not a priority.” “I will not look over your manuscript this week because it’s not a priority.” “I will not exercise or go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.”
If the person or situation I’m committing to, or putting aside matters to me more or less than my time does, I can look at that as well.
What is your why?
It’s so important to decide on what your motivation is. Why are you committing to your choices, and will they serve you? My career goal as a teen was to make enough money to hire someone to clean up after me. I still haven’t made that a priority. My why became a need to survive for my kids. My why eventually became a need to make more than my ex husband. My why is now about travel and having the means to give my kids all of the things I want them to have.
Live in Yes.
I used to commit to everything that was asked of me. It was hard to say no, because it was hard to accept that what I wanted was enough. Think about it though. No. It’s a complete sentence. Once you decide you can say no, you can also decide on what to say yes to. If it doesn’t make me really happy and excited, it’s a no. If I don’t want to do it, it’s a no. If I am excited to do it, I say yes, and I often get it done right away. I committed to adding a page to this blog to support my sister. It will happen as soon as I finish this blog post because it makes me happy to support my sister. It also makes me happy to add to my blog in ways that will support others. This is my yes.
Take a responsibility standpoint.
Your failures do not make you a failure, but they help you realise you get to change things. You become responsible for asking for help. You’re responsible for procrastinating. In finance, I have the end of the month and the end of the quarter to hustle through. You can wait for your deadline and the stress that comes with it, or you can keep it going like a marathon. As a person taking accountability for accounts receivable, I want to end the month powerfully but I want to start the next month just as powerfully.
Jump in with consistent intensity, passion, self care and forgiveness. You’ll end up with consistent results.
Spiral intentionally.
It’s so easy to spiral downward. You spill coffee on your lap in the morning and you can find evidence throughout the day to support the idea that the world is out to get you. You make a choice on what your day is, and you can find support for that decision. Good or bad, there’s evidence of it because life is balanced. Your history does not dictate your future.
Trust yourself! When you know who you are, you are able to trust your abilities. Look at what your contribution is. How are you able to get through each day? You get yourself up each morning. You feed yourself. You speak up when you need support. You manage your schedule. You are able to take care of your needs and show up in a way that others can ask for your support. Trust that you got this and find the evidence to support it.
Self Care
Treat yourself the way you would treat a small child. Do not say mean things to yourself. Put yourself to bed early. Go play outside and make room for naps. Don’t put yourself in danger. Feed yourself healthy food.
Go for a walk. Listen to your favorite music. Sing and dance as loudly and passionately as you can. Your neighbors will value that public service. Pet an animal, eat something you like. Punch a pillow, or something more physical. Think of the things you’re grateful for. Journal your day and emotions. Pray. Read something to take you out of your current situation. Call a friend and share some laughter. Disconnect from tech. Practice deep breathing, slowly and from the belly. Take a shower. Do something nice for someone.
PIES!!!
When my marriage ended, I found myself in a support group on Facebook. There were lots of people that were standing for their marriage, filling that gap between husband and wife with prayer. One of the things I learned from them was to have PIES when I need them.
Sometimes it’s a day of PIES. Sometimes it’s a small portion. But it’s always something that makes me feel better. PIES is an acronym for Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.
Physical means doing something physical. It can mean a hike or yoga. It can be going to the driving range and working on my golf swing. It can be boxing or running (not with my knees).
Intellectual means I’m doing something intellectual. I’m reading something that would make me think. I’m learning something new. I’m challenging myself intellectually.
Emotional means I’m doing something emotionally fulfilling. It could mean I’m having a good cry with a movie that offers a cathartic release (Shondaland).
Spiritual can be about prayer, or reading your bible. It can be about meditation. For me, it’s finding my connection to nature. It could mean walking barefoot, or watching the waves crash at the beach. It can be feeling the warmth of the sun or listening to birds. It can be watching butterflies and bees hover all over my rosemary bush flowers.
Go to the beach!
During one of my more stressful funemployment periods, I would either go to the beach because I could swipe for jobs on my phone, or I would sit on my porch. I had a storage tote on my porch with a bag or two of playground sand that I bought from Home Depot. The sand was under $5 and I would often sit on my porch with my feet in the sand while I sipped my coffee and listened to the sound of the waterfall in my little pond and the birds in the area.
Ask for support.
There’s nothing in life that says you need to get through it all alone. Yes, we’re born alone and we die alone, but the rest is about community. Where is your tribe? I have friends that reach out when I need it most. I have parents that show up and love me, helping with my kids. I have siblings and extended family that listen when I need them to and speak up when their wisdom surpasses my own. I have co-workers that support me when I can’t do something on my own.
And there are medical professionals. There are people that get paid to help you when it’s too stressful or too depressing to function. The important thing is to notice when you need support. It’s not always easy to tell when you need help because you’re in the middle of it all, but there are things you can pay attention to.