I recently started exploring the calibration that comes with entering healthy relationships and it’s really about learning to be different and to move differently. It’s a new normal. Being an overthinker with an avid imagination, I’ve already pictured the process, and parts of it have already happened in platonic relationships with some of the men in my life.
In December of 2017 I was at my office holiday party. I was talking to the wives of the men I worked with. I was also dealing with the angry ex boyfriend that was picking fights with my neighbors and threatening to leave because he felt it was wrong for me to stay out late as his girlfriend at the office party he didn’t want to go to. It was in seeing these women that I found the courage and determination to finally end it. They were laughing and happy and not afraid of what their husbands would do or say. They weren’t in constant fear. They were loved and they were free. This was what I needed to see to realize I needed to change my life.
My goal is to continue growing, learning and evolving. It’s just another bit of this chrysalis I’m determined to destroy as I transform. It’s not an immediate change but a process that has been altered with each interaction.
Here, I break it down for you in a visual and tangible way.
First Contact
He greets me with small talk and his questions delve deeper. It’s not about memorizing details he can bring up later to remind me he was listening in a way that emulates connection. It’s about curiosity and communicating in a way that dips and sways back and forth as we get to know each other. Details become discourse as history transforms into ideas.
He finds me attractive but doesn’t focus on my looks or tell me what he wants to do to me as a participant in his fantasies. As our conversation continues over the phone or via text, he doesn’t ask me to get a Brazilian wax, wear platform heels or buy myself lingerie that he can destroy. He’s just excited that he has my full attention and he doesn’t eagerly show me his naked body.
Reality check: I receive several propositions a week from strangers that think being tall, sexy, and willing is enough to get me to rush over and have sex. I have an album of screenshots on my personal Facebook page, called Conversations of No. It’s not okay, but there have been several men that know how to be respectful and engaging. I’ve had great dates that showed me we weren’t the right fit, while reminding me to never give up. It started with setting boundaries for myself. It wasn’t always about telling them what they couldn’t do as much as telling myself when he lost my interest. Then it became about a funny screenshot for my friends to be shocked, angry and amused.
Actively Dating
Days become weeks and he’s not messaging me incessantly with every spare moment he has. He talks to me when we’re both not busy. He understands there are others in my life and he’s not threatened by not knowing who they are. He knows he has my attention and I know he has mine.
At first, I self soothe when a gap of a few hours feels like rejection. Knowing the feel of being love bombed, it’s hard to imagine that healthy distance isn’t stealthy rejection.
He doesn’t keep tabs on me, or demand I text him back within minutes. He reaches out because he was thinking of me and understands that I might be focused at work or indisposed in a meeting. He doesn’t demand I respond to him while I’m driving and I realize how easy it is to relax with him.
He doesn’t fill my mind with his need of me. I’m not buried under the responsibility of being in control of his moods and actions. I intentionally remind myself that we talk daily because emotionally, I’m frightened that a few hours apart is rejection even though I know I was busy as well. He reminds and reassures me with his consistency, until I remember love bombing was part of abusive love bonds and he is teaching me healthy connection.
Reality Check: I’m busy most of the time. We all are. It was hard going from the love bombing of an emotionally abusive relationship to something more realistic and distant. I was convinced that I was experiencing rejection when we were both busy, but still communicating daily. It was nice to feel those happy butterflies of anticipation instead of the rumble of a dropped stomach and stress diarrhea from worrying about missing a text or not being able to return a call right away. It was an adjustment, and it often still is.
Out in Public
We’re walking while out on a date. Side by side our conversation flows. The path thins to a space for one, and we both stop. I forget he’s a gentleman and would always allow me to lead him when this happens. I hold out a hand in a gesture for him to proceed, because I’ve grown accustomed to being second or last. He waits until I take the first step ahead of him.
Each door we step through is an opportunity for him to open it for me. I forget that he wants to. When we leave the restaurant I forget to pause so he can open the door. He reaches a long arm out ahead of me to throw the door out ahead of us. He knows to rush ahead of me so I won’t steal this honor. I slowly learn to slow down for him.
At the table, he pulls out my chair and kisses my cheek as he pushes me in gently. He sits across from me and tells me I’m beautiful. He’s polite but clearly not interested in the server taking our order, and I smile at the look of longing on her face.
Our food arrives and he won’t touch his fork or place his napkin on his lap until my meal is placed before me.
Strangers sit all around us, and he never once accuses me of looking for too long at the man across from us, when I was appreciating the purse his date had. He smiles at me when my eyes do wander, because he knows he’s the only man I want to give my time to, and I simply appreciate pretty things.
Reality Check: The men I work with will wait for my food to arrive to eat. They’ll offer to grab a drink for me or buy a round at the bar during Happy Hour and without expectation. They open doors, wait for me to step ahead of them and treat me with respect. This is so different from serving others and eating my cold meal alone and last.
Learning to Receive
He notices that I wait for him to order first and my meals consistently cost less than his. It took him a while to discover how hard it is for me to just tell him what I want without just taking care of myself. He insists I order first and I can’t gauge my budget based on how he chooses because he wants me to pick what I want, just as he would. He knows I’m likely to pick by the price of my meal and he makes space for me by not allowing me to keep doing this.
I freak out the first time I wake up and my car keys are gone and there’s no trace of him. He wasn’t on a joyride but my heart didn’t stop racing until he returned with a latte in hand for us both. I get in my car, prepared to add a stop to my day only to find out how nice it is to leave for work with a full tank of gas I didn’t have to pump.
When I catch the flu, he works from home so he can make sure I stay in bed and keeps me hydrated. He enjoys checking on me and making sure I’m comfortable and when I return the favor, he doesn’t feel frustrated that I mother him like I do my kids.
Reality Check: I’ve had to learn how to receive someone else’s generosity and kindness. It was easier to say no, deflect or refuse kindness. It was so easy to not expect a whole lot. The more I accepted the generosity of others, the more I was able to open up to the world and give from my heart as well. It started with learning that not every man willing to buy me a drink wanted some kind of repayment.
Communication
Our first argument changes his tone. When he notices the flinch I try to hide, he softens his voice and approaches me like I’m a terrified the deer in headlights. He doesn’t feel empowered by my fear but shifts into my protector. He coaxes my responses out of me because he wants my input and he won’t allow the conversation to be one sided. It becomes a give and take that doesn’t feel like hard fought negotiation.
When he’s had a hard day, he doesn’t take his anger out on me in veiled threats and backhanded compliments. He doesn’t call me names or compare me to an ideal I never imagined I’d want to reach.
He sees himself fitting in the pictures that make up my vision board. He doesn’t laugh at the Maserati but suggests I might prefer my Levante in Bianco Alpi over Blue Emozione.
Our conversation flows and he’s happy to get to know me, speaking and listening so he hears me, not to find a place to respond. I give my opinions and he immediately digests things. He doesn’t ignore me until I present my same thoughts through another man. I no longer need to give my ideas masked as belonging to a male friend, so I won’t be ignored.
We start talking about building something as a project and when I bring up the value of an impact drill, he doesn’t dismiss me, but listens intently, smiling because he feels like he’s won a prize, and not feeling threatened that I know more about power tools than he does.
Reality Check: When I speak, it’s easy to find those that will listen. This was not always the case. I found a lot of men were threatened by my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I also learned these men were not the men I wanted to date. It was a situation that corrected itself. It was more about deciding that my thoughts were more important to me that how someone else felt about my thoughts.
Leveling Up
When I begin outlining my next book and we discuss the purpose I write into it, he doesn’t feel that I’m too ambitious. He sees my dreams as a place to support me and a way to remind himself to reach higher. When I’ve had a rough day, he reminds me it will be okay, I can let it go. He pulls out the child in me that gets to play and laugh, and when it’s time to focus again, he’s my supportive partner.
Reality check: Coming from abusive relationships, it was so easy to see this objectively, but so difficult to work past. I have to be vigilant. The self doubt and internalized criticism can be so loud when it’s an echo of what you’re told when in relationship with someone that you love, even if they don’t know how to love you in return. I was told to quit my job for something that paid less. I was told that what I did wasn’t as important as what he did and I was told how I should live my life in a way that was smaller than where he was at. There are those that will be in your corner and they’ll be honored that you’ll allow them to be there.
The greatest lesson in this calibration is to keep learning and growing as the landscape rises to meet you.