I often enjoy the idea that there aren’t many like me, but it also means I always expect better than I see in others. I once had a prospective date message me, and ask if I had any chill in me. Ignoring the fact that he sounded as young as he was, no I really don’t have any chill. As I’ve gotten older, I noticed I get it from my Dad, but also I’m more intense than he is in some ways. Not everyone can function through adversity and that’s okay too. What I’m learning (and my point) is that this is okay.
I asked someone when I should stop by. This isn’t my normal because I tend to self isolate, and avoid seeing people. He asked if I was sure, and I said, “I wouldn’t offer something I wasn’t prepared to give, so give me a time and I’ll show up.” This was a person in a hospital bed and the phlebotomist was a bit shocked at my tone. I forgot to make it a kind offer and delivered it with my default direct tone.
My expectation of myself tends to verge on abuse. I’ve managed to get through enough in life, and found strength in Post Traumatic Growth. I won’t dig too deeply here, but this is when a person is able to thrive after a traumatic event. There is a lot of research in this area, and here’s an overview I trust from Psychology Today.
I won’t get into my own trauma here. There’s a whole book, and I’m working on the next one.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder forces you to re-live trauma you may no longer be experiencing. Your body and mind will struggle with protecting you from a memory. You might forget an entire day. You might have a really hard time trusting yourself or others. Your body may remember a traumatic experience if you hear or smell something that reminds you of that one time when you weren’t safe. Often there’s anger, depression, self-isolation, feeling numb, intrusive thoughts with pervasive memories. It can be really hard to sleep at night, and it can feel like you’re hyper aware of all things, all the time.
Experiencing my childhood has helped me focus out more intensely than I focus in. I’m more aware of how others are doing around me, sometimes, than I am aware of what’s going on in my own mind and body. Mine started as secondary trauma from what my parents experienced before I was born. As I experienced life, it was easy to heap one experience on top of another, deepening the complexity of the many fears that drive me.
Post Traumatic Growth
As I’ve gotten older and put in some serious work, I’ve experienced Post Traumatic Growth. It means in the middle of an emotional flashback, and at the peak of my greatest fears, I have to put in the work to determine reality from my imagination. I have to dig deep to see what is real, from what my mind is trying to tell me, in order to stay safe. It makes every day life seem like a cakewalk.
Part of it is also recognizing my patterns of survival are often just how I navigate life. My traumas are a mix of treated, untreated, and somewhere in between. It affects how I show up in relationships. It manifests as my perfectionism in most of what I do. It allows me to see I’m not stuck and staying where I am in life is a choice I’m solely responsible for.
There are ways to recognize Post Traumatic Growth or PTG. It’s about appreciating life differently. It shows up in relationships with others. It can look like new possibilities in life. It includes personal strength and often profound spiritual change. It’s taking shit, and allowing it to shift who you are, for the better.
Hypervigilance
As a child, I learned how to manage my Dad’s moods. He wasn’t violent. He’s a loving Dad. He was also particular, and I knew who I had to be, so that he would love me and be proud of me. I didn’t realize that his needs had nothing to do with me.
My hypervigilance for Dad’s moods meant my safety zone was always outside of myself. I became safe and soothing to watch the world around me with curiosity.
Curiosity
As a new mom, I was curious about making soap. I researched what I could online. I bought a scale, some vegetable oils (coconut gives the best lather) and lye (in the form of drain cleaning crystals), and I went to work. Let’s pretend I knew how to master the math involved in chemistry (not really). Let’s imagine I liked wearing safety gear while working with lye dissolved in water (nope), and I actually kept my arms and hands covered (uh, fuzzy memory here). I figured it out and made some really great smelling soaps. I took a similar journey with candles, sushi, cross stitch, embroidery, crochet, baking French Macarons, scrapbooking and beekeeping, minus the hive.
Fast forward a few years and I was curious about Mom’s pre-need life insurance policies. I learned about guaranteed services. I realized it’s not enough for the mortuary to pick you up and throw you in a box. There’s the cost involved with picking you up, embalming, dressing and prepping you to be seen. Opening the grave and closing it. One vase for the family that might visit once or twice a year, or two?
But then there was that whole area of mortuary science. I wanted to know what death looked like, and how to make the dead look a little more living. I’ll spare you.
Fearlessness
Fearlessness might be a misnomer. I’m afraid of many things, but I refuse to let that stop me. You can’t be brave without facing fear and you can’t be courageous without enduring through pain. The biscuits of life I cut my teeth on were drenched in fear. Nothing good happens when you hide behind it. Step through fear. Embrace change. Watch what you can do and how you can make things happen.
I wanted to keep a blog, and taught myself through trial and error. I wanted to move my blog and learned I needed to redirect traffic to every single blog post I had written over the course of a few years. I figured out Blogger, Wordpress, and now Squarespace. I learned a blog becomes a website when you add service pages.
I finally wrote my book and decided to self publish it. I have a job and kids. Throw in aging parents and I don’t really have time to look for an agent, hoping I might shine in their slush pile. I learned structure and formatting. I’m still amazed that I published a book, e-book, and I’m working on audiobooks. Maybe I’ll have free time in the next few weeks and look into marketing as a hobby.
All of this is from a few web searches and my curiosity. It’s my default to problem solve.
Perfectionism
Growing up, it seemed important to get things just right. Mistakes were never celebrated, and that’s something I’ve had to learn to do. Doing the right thing over the easy thing became important. It’s not about recognition but knowing that there’s safety when things are going the way they’re expected to.
I feel better when I make mistakes because that shows me where I need to be better and how to work harder. When it’s going smoothly, with rare mistakes, it feels like waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Pushing through Difficulty
A few months ago I had a meeting with my manager. He was meeting me in an office and just as I got inside, a contact lens popped out of my eye. I pinched it between my fingers as we met. He didn’t realize what was happening until I told him after the fact. He was surprised that I could function. When we finished, I stuck it in contact lens solution. When it was no longer hard around the edges, I popped it back in my eye and continued with my day.
Just this week, I had a meeting at work and at the end I didn’t stick around. I left for the hospital to be with a loved one that was having a procedure the next day. Before I left, I had a brief moment with my CEO. I let him know why I was heading out early, and he was surprised that I was at the meeting, and not falling apart, I’m sure. I’m still human. The initial shock and moment of uncertainty had passed. He caught me after I had settled into managing my mood and embraced problem solving mode.
I was talking to a co-worker about the miscarriage I suffered just shy of a month before starting my current job, and the near drowning Kid3 suffered at 9 months. Life keeps moving and my admissions of my hard truths barely get a pause from me anymore. I don’t pause for me.
I’ve actually lost count of the many ways life has begged me to pause and step away at work, and I’ve pushed through until it was more convenient to step back and address my personal life. It’s extremely rare for me to tap out because I can’t handle what’s in front of me.
Going Forward
My default serves me but it’s not everyone’s normal way of being. It’s really hard for me to not expect excellence in others because it’s what I always expect of myself. It’s how I survive every day life, so how can it not be everyone’s idea of normal?!?!! I had a friend tell me that he normally only felt comfortable talking to other war vets because they understood him, but he felt comfortable talking to me. We connected in our reaction to trauma. This was a huge shift for me. It was about accepting how abnormal my experience of life had been, and recognizing the truth I could appreciate in others. My normal isn’t normal. It’s exceptionally abnormal in some ways.
I won’t collapse easily. I won’t always react in ways that are expected. I will find answers when I hit a wall because there is no other option than to adapt and learn. There is no other option but to grow and thrive. And it’s okay if you can’t relate.
I kinda envy your growth that has nothing to do with trauma. I will watch the way you connect easily and deeply. I admire your ability to trust others and yourself while reaching for connection. I appreciate the simplicity of who you are, and the idea that there are not always angles. There’s just you, and it’s not about survival as much as an ability to just be.
I wonder about a life where I’ve never had to slay dragons, and I wonder if I would know what to do with myself.