I’m hated or loved. There’s no in between, or no one cares enough to tell me if they are. I've been the target of verbal abuse in many ways and several times. I took it as long as I did because somehow I wasn't able to connect to it and I became fascinated with what would make a person treat me like that. I remember more than once being amused and trying not to laugh through it. Mine wasn't a normal reaction. I took it as long as I did because change is hard when you still hope the person you allow closest to you will remember to be who you let in . . . Who you loved. At the same time, I can be honest with myself and admit that I have a hard time trusting others enough to let them understand me. I keep my distance emotionally.
I kept thinking I have thick skin, but that's not it either. My thick skin is an illusion. When my self love is strong enough, I can’t see someone else’s insecurities in me. I love and trust myself enough that I can see my weaknesses and learn to love them enough that they won’t hurt me. I was once told, "Truth hurts only when there's fear inside. When fear is defeated with self love, truth is filtered through unconditional acceptance." It's true. But it's also unreliable. When I feel happy and strong, I'm fine. These things roll off of me. When I'm emotionally bottomed out, the stress becomes physical pain and exhaustion. I begin to doubt all that I know to be true about me. Thick skin is a strength from the outside in. My core is what defines and supports me.
I find that when someone hates me enough to let me know, their attacks are always a reflection of their greatest fears and insecurities. The people I'm thinking of were people I once loved. I was busy loving them with a protective bubble around me and they were too self absorbed to get to know me enough to know what would hurt me. When I got past the idea that someone wanted to hurt me, their actual insults couldn’t land. It hurt more that they wanted to hurt me. Then I remembered it's not normal to want to hurt other people, and it's not me as much as them. Sometimes I enjoy it that I matter so much to someone else . . . That I can affect their day without trying. I accept that I'm not always a nice person.
Going from love to hate to indifference myself, I can honestly say that hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is a feeling that comes from frustration and anger and enough care to feel frustrated that I can't control anything. There's often a lot of self hate going on too. If not self hate, a frustration that I can't change something and an inability to see through or get past pain and trauma so old, I can't see it as much as feel it.
The last person to verbally abuse me was also loved by me. I looked at him with compassion. I felt empathy. I knew him enough to know his anger towards me was fear. It was hurt and loneliness. The things said to me were verbalized fears and pain he had long before I met him. These things were a reaction to what I made him feel. At the end of the day I felt so much pain at his insults but it was pain for him, not because of him. In friendship, I wanted to make space for his needs and wants. He had a hard time accepting this and thought turning away or denying me his acknowledgment would make me do or say what he wanted. He wanted to control what I did as a way to fix the past and confront ephemeral ghosts and memory.
As for coping, it's really about looking hard and long at yourself. Look at who you are. Look at what they tell you they think you are. There may be a little truth to it. There may not be.
Accept the statement.
Let the truth of it land. Let the parts that are not true fall away. This is how you look to them, but how much of what they see is real? How much of it is twisted by their own broken shards, cutting them with everything they experience in life? If they're unreliable, why do you trust what they say?
Trust yourself.
I trust myself because no matter who comes or goes in my life, I'm still here. I trust myself because I take care of myself and my kids. I trust myself because I'm great at my job and people genuinely want me around, even if I'm feeling like I only want to be alone. I trust myself because I know that I give it 110% percent so when it's time to walk away, I have no regrets to weigh on me.
Release and let go.
Let go of controlling how others see you. Let go of what you want others to see. They don't look you in the eye when you are facing a mirror. Who are you at your core? Not who your mom sees. Not who your friends see. Who do you see when you think of what matters to you in your life. What do you love about yourself? What do you genuinely not love, and how can you change or accept that?
Pride and vulnerability
Hold your head up high when facing them but be vulnerable with yourself. They don't need to see if or how they hurt you. They don't deserve your tears. Tears are sacred and healing and it's okay if you experience them on your own. It's okay to admit to the parts that hurt, but don't allow that hurt to hold you down. Talk to someone you trust. Write out what you feel. Finally, let go and move on. Vulnerability with yourself will help you see what areas are hurting within. Take a look at the child you were. Look at the pain you felt as a child with the eyes of an adult. Forgive your shortcomings. Acknowledge your pain. It's okay to soothe the hurting child within as the grown up you needed now that you understand the past through the history and knowledge of your present.
See what is said as an outrageous lie. It usually is.
I am not a terrible wife and mother. (I was a selfish wife, but we both were. As for mother, I have selfish moments, but my kids know they can depend on me. I am enough.)
I am not physically unattractive. (I turn heads and turn down men on a regular basis. Men and their imaginations are easy. I care more when they say I'm smart or kind.)
I am not fat. (I'm very comfortable in my skin. I love me and all that my body is capable of.)
I am not a baby killer. (I gave my twins all I could and my body didn't reject them, even after their hearts stopped.)
I am not a two faced back stabber. (I'm more honest than most people are comfortable with. I'm transparent, and don't act maliciously. I move on and don't look back.)
I am not a slave or nigger. (The history of my bloodline is an existence I am lucky to never have experienced. I'm also mixed, and don't really identify with any particular group. I'm black and Thai and still holding out for a nice Jewish man or a red haired, green eyed Irish man, but I'm not holding my breath.)
I'm not a bitch (but I can be, and I enjoy those moments shamelessly).
I do have a brain. (I don't often waste explanations on people that don't have the ability to see past their perceptions and interpretations.)
Self Care
Cry if you need to. Find reasons to laugh. Find ways you trust yourself and everything about who you are. Spend time with people that love and support you. Be physically active in the sun. An endorphin rush and vitamin D are super drugs. Eat well and stay hydrated, especially if you need to cry it out. Seek out a therapist. Cut off the person trying to hurt you. No contact is the easiest way to focus on who you are and heal. And know that there is so much more good in you that they can't see past their own negativity and pain.