I work in an affluent city filled with tourists from all over the world. The block I work on is part of a regular flow of wealth. Because of this, there are often pan handlers posted in regular spots. I've seen one man show up with his dog, do his morning stretches, and place his belongings in their particular locations on the street before taking on the position he does on a daily basis. He's there before I get to work but often leaves with another man replacing him when I leave. I remember when things were really tight and I first started working there. I realized his dog was better taken care of than I was.
There's a woman with a child. She stands on different spots on the same block daily, and asks if people will help her out while her child sleeps in the stroller, or she holds him in her arms. Honestly, I don't know of any child that sleeps as much as that one does. Or maybe I just happen to walk by on my lunch breaks which are his regular nap times. Of all of the people that speak to themselves, or aggressively ask for help, or strike up a random conversation, she makes me the most uncomfortable. I mean, I wonder if it's her child, or if she's watching someone else's child a lot of the time. Is she really alone in this world? Where does she go at night when temperatures near the ocean dip dangerously with wind chill and fog. I think of her the most. She embodies my fears of being a single mom and that says a lot when my life is so full of drama.
I'm a single mom. Even when I had a boyfriend, all of the bills and groceries were paid for by me. When they need to go the dentist or doctor, or therapy appointment, I make it work around my 40 hour work week. The after school program helps with homework. My mom helps with dinner because when it's that time, I'm usually in traffic. When they're finicky about the food she prepares, I go home and cook dinner before I can sit and rest. I take care of the animals they asked for but don't take care of. I sign field trip slips and school forms and sometimes I have to stop in the office before school to sign a new one when the first gets lost. I've even coordinated with the office to have one emailed, then sign it and fax it back. I make it happen and at the end of the day, I do it alone. I don't have anyone to share my stories of exhaustion or triumph with. There's no one to rush home to, or cook for when the kids are gone. There's not someone to ease the pain of my tired feet, or rub out the knots of tension in my back. I don't have a partner to split the bills. This is life as a single mom.
Back to this woman on the street . . . I see this woman on the street asking for help and it makes me uncomfortable. If it makes me uncomfortable, the obvious reason is there is something about her that I can see when I look at myself. Is it my concern that she isn't providing the best environment for her child that needs space to play and stimulation to learn? I watch my kids spend so much time looking at a screen. Is it the fact that she is seemingly alone and it appears like she's not doing well, although I've seen many people hand her money and even one person brought her baby clothes from Old Navy since I've seen her. I don't know what makes me uncomfortable, but it's making me take notice.
I've been a single mom for a while. I was a single mom in 2015, but the divorce still isn't final. It's been started, but I'm still married. And we never filed for a legal separation, so I'm married. I've dated other men. I've been in a long term relationship, miscarried his twins and lived with a man that wasn't my husband for almost a year since then.
I was filling out a form online that asked for my status. Single? Committed relationship? Separated? Divorced? Married?
This is a very basic question, but my answer is complicated. I'm not legally separated. I'm not divorced. I'm married, but I'm more single than married. So when the divorce happens, do I have to say I'm divorced? I feel more single because I haven't felt tied to the marriage in a long time. I don't feel tied to the divorce anymore. My 2015 taxes were filed as Head of Household. I couldn't even hand over leadership of my finances to my last boyfriend and he holds a degree in finance.
What is it to be single? It's being alone through all of the good and bad, and finding strength in your ability.
And married? Ideally, it's a partnership and a commitment to support each other for the rest of your lives.
Committed relationship? To me, it's a choice to choose one person repeatedly . . . To support them as they support you . . . To have someone to confide in. There are also the perks of a reliable sex partner. Good, bad, and not often, it's the same partner.
And what if you're divorced? It means you were part of a marriage that ended. That's kinda the end of it, but not if you look at perceptions held about divorce in relation to marriage. I've been asked how my marriage failed. I've been asked who's fault it was. Irrelevant details in my day to day are often the focus when I'm asked about events that will get you to the end of a marriage. When my marriage ended, I was told it was over. So I had the very same questions. No one asks how I feel about being single, and honestly, single life suits me.
So how do you decide who you are when the labels don't fit? You get to choose.
I choose the label of being single. I feel empowered by being single. I feel confident in how I fit in my body and how I move when I walk. I feel like I can smile at strangers and hug male friends and I won't get in trouble for it. I feel like I can speak my mind and I'm not second guessing myself. I'm going through a divorce, but that process and the negativity around it are not who I am. I was in a relationship but that usually means I'm making so much space for someone else that I push out my needs. The distinction between who I am from what I've been through is what makes the labels irrelevant. If you need to know to help you fit me into a category you understand and can feel better about, I'm single. And I love it.