As a mother of boys, my primary goal is to raise strong men. This means they are secure enough to be vulnerable. This means they are self-aware and fiercely independent. They don’t whine and manipulate. They handle their business like grown men should. Like their mother has learned to.
My youngest son, in a moment of attachment anxiety started his day with a tantrum a few days ago. Hours later, once he found his footing again, we discussed it. I read the definition of a tantrum which specifically addresses it being something a small child would do. I said that as he’s growing up, it was a mantrum and it needs to stop. It’s not cute. It’s not attractive. It’s not who his mother is and I want him to learn to do better.
I explained that he should cry when he’s hurt. He can cry when he’s angry. This is okay. Being secure enough in who he is to have an emotional response to life is admirable. I want to encourage that as it helps with the connection needed for a meaningful relationship. Vulnerability is so important when you are in a relationship. What was not okay was having a fit to control or manipulate a person or situation. It’s not okay to pitch a fit when you can’t get what you want. You look at what you are facing, see the good and bad in the choices you’re presented with, and move on. Don’t waste your energy on placing blame. Don’t expect someone to bail you out. Know that you can handle it and decide the ways you will. Don’t expect anyone to make you feel better about your life or how someone else lives theirs.
Don’t get me wrong, in the heat of his tantrum I was at war with the idea that he needed to cry it out but he also needed to stop. He’s my child and he needed something I wasn’t offering. I was failing him in a way that he needed to self-soothe and I stepped back from that thought into, “what if this was someone I was dating?” I realized I was coddling him and needed to do better.
What if this were someone I was dating? I’ve been called a bulldozer and loved it. I’m often looked at like a hard ass. I’m not afraid of that. Yes, I would want a man capable of sharing his thoughts and feelings. But a mantrum? I dated a guy like that. I thought, “this little bitch needs to man the fuck up.” We didn’t date after that. I laughed as I walked away thinking, hell the fuck no. No, I’m not always a nice person. It was mainly because I could see he was trying to manipulate me. He wasn’t someone that could handle himself out in the world. He still needed others to blame and others to carry him. He was all about doing the easy thing, and never the right thing. He wanted life handed to him on a platter. I think that was the first time I realized no one pays you to be a pussy in life. I can’t grow with someone I need to mother. I walked away. Over a year later and he was finally significant enough to make it to my blog.
I needed to remember him because I needed to remind myself that I’m raising men.
My boys are incredible. They are kind, empathetic, compassionate and from what I heard at my son’s awards night this year, my older two are leaders amongst their peers. They cook. They look out for each other. Their cleaning could use work and initiative would be awesome, but one day . . . probably when they have kids. My Kid3 was complaining about Kid2 and the way he’s constantly breaking things and I used that moment to explain self-soothing behaviors and how it was time Kid1 learned new ones. Soothing doesn’t mean you have to get your way. It means learning to cope when you can’t get your way. It’s looking at the roadblock in front of you and coming up with a plan. It’s being an adult. My kids on the autism spectrum are perfect examples of this and I used them as an example of self-soothing for Kid3.
I’ve read that autistic kids don’t know how to manipulate. I call bull on that one. My Kid2 won’t beguile you into doing his work or giving up your cupcake, but he can read a person that is likely to cave on him. He will manipulate that kindness into his preferred behaviors. But there are times when he’s overwhelmed and can’t control situations. He self-soothes. He asks questions. He fidgets. He breaks things. He wastes products (gel, peanut butter, shaving cream . . . the list goes on). His anxiety lately has been a bit intense and more things are being broken around the house.
I explained to Kid3 that Kid2 didn’t peel the sticker off his Tech Deck to ruin his life. Peeling the sticker was scratching an itch. I told him about Kid2 being a toddler. I pushed my double stroller full of toddlers through the mall when they were younger. Kid2 covered his ears with his hands because it was too noisy. He ran around naked as a toddler because clothes were uncomfortable. I explained that these are not things that go away. The whole point of special ed is to teach kids to hide the behaviors that make everyone else uncomfortable. They learn to cope differently. For Kid2, that means I’ve had to learn to not care about material things or lock up things that matter to me. He’s not trying to be bad. No child wants to be bad. They’re seeking out a way to scratch an itch. They are trying to make things better. Some people use drugs, alcohol or sex. My kid peels stickers off things. He takes care of his needs when he’s uncomfortable. Sometimes this gets expensive. Sometimes he needs more support and I offer it. People need to be rested, fed, and loved. If my kids are acting out, I probably need to do better with one of those. At the end of the day, I’m raising men and I’m proud of them.