When I was little, I remember the suits my Dad wore. He was always at some Hollywood thing trying to get his scripts sold. He eventually stopped wearing the 3 piece suit, and opted for Jeans with his shirt, jacket, tie and cowboy boots. I will always remember how bored I was watching him get fitted in his Bill Blass suit from Nordstrom. My fondest memories were sitting on the toilet seat lid and watching him shave his face. He’d pull and stretch his face in all sorts of positions and he’d slap on Aqua Velva or Old Spice. He would then tie his tie. He taught me how, several years ago.
When I first became a single mom, my Dad had a conversation with me. I don’t remember what was said, but I left that conversation feeling like it was up to me to be the man I wanted my kids to learn from. I was to do the things I wanted my kids to learn. I had to be responsible with money. I had to plan for a future, whether that’s in two days, two weeks or twenty years. I had to be firm with certain things and relax with others. I had to be the person I needed as a child and as a woman so they could learn to be the men I know they can be. I needed to be stable and secure in who I am. I need to provide for them and help them feel safe. This hasn’t been easy, but the desire to do right by them is fueled by how amazing my kids are. I’m so lucky to be their mother.
One of my annual highlights is my older two kid’s awards night at their school. I’m surrounded by children with autism and their warrior advocate parents. In some ways it’s like coming home. I feel grounded because in my anti-social space, this is my tribe. Kid1 was recognized for “outstanding leadership qualities and excellence in creative writing, art design and artistic expression.” This is the kid that wants to start at the jr. college this summer before he starts senior year to knock out general education courses. He plans to go to a 4 year college and study graphic design. Kid2 received an award “for demonstrating leadership in school activities.” He still has time to finalize his goals. I was so proud and happy for my sons. It meant so much that their leadership would be acknowledged. I was swelling with so much emotion when my oldest let me know he plans to give the graduation speech next year. I cried so much that night, watching my kids grow up into the sweet and caring young men they are. My little one just graduated from the 5th grade. My kids make it easy to want to be better and do better.
We have a soiree later next month and my little one wanted an outfit for his 5th grade graduation. I was thinking of this time a handful of years ago. I was still working part time and about to be completely on my own for the first time in my life. My mom wasn’t paying my bills. My ex was about to stop too. The next year I was in a temporary position and nothing was certain. The year after that I was temping at the company I’m at now as a permanent employee. I was a welfare mom. I’m not anymore. Saturday I was taking my kids to buy their first suits. Kid1 and Kid2 refused. Kid3 was so excited.
I let go of my older two not wanting suits. Not a huge deal. I fully embraced Kid3’s excitement. He just made it into the men’s department and physically, his shoulder width means he’s no longer a child. The first thing he wanted was a white tuxedo. Then he decided he wanted to wear a vest. Our personal stylist helped select different suit options and taught him how to shrug off a jacket. He showed us how his pants should break over his shoe. He explained that the last button on his vest should remain unbuttoned. My son was soaking it all up. My kids instinctively prefer baggier clothes and here was a stylist, assisting the tailor in marking and pinning this outfit while wearing impeccable suits of their own. My son wanted to look like them.
As we were checking out, our stylist told Kid3, “if anyone asks, you’re wearing Ted Baker and Hugo Boss.” (I felt good being able to use a card that had been paid in full to cover what was more than two times my monthly car payment. I think the credit card companies that want your interest call that “buying power.”) He then threw in some free cologne samples and my son was in heaven. We got home and he sprayed all of them at once to see which smelled best. Outside in clean Los Angeles air smelled best. The next day he took his samples to school to ask his friends which one smells best. After school he wanted me to teach him how to put on enough but not too much cologne. I let him know he wants just enough to make someone want to step closer to smell more of him. I taught him about pulse points.
He chose a picture of the hair cut he wanted and he sat patiently while the barber worked around him.
Monday I took his silk tie to work to try to remember how to tie a tie. I was working on the Simple Knot my Dad taught me then decided I liked the Eldridge knot better. I looked around and realized most men don’t go that fancy. One of our accountants taught me a double Windsor knot and I proudly showed a picture of my kid in his suit around the office. One of our CO-CEO’s said I need to bring him to work wearing it one day. Kid3 was so tickled to hear that.
My older two had a celebration meal with me and my mom on Thursday. I had my celebration meal with them all on Saturday and when custody shifts back my way, we’ll have a third celebration meal with Kid3 and my mom.
I made Kid3 a graduation lei. I used 30 singles, but it was getting too long, so I made it into two. He reminded me that his cousin was graduating too and asked if he could give it to his cousin. I was so strongly hit by the honor I have in raising this boy.
The morning of his graduation as I was tying his tie, he expressed wanting to take his Dad to a graduation meal. I let him know I could still give him the one lei we were giving his cousin and supplement that with more cash that I had on me. He really considered it for several minutes before deciding he really wanted to take his Dad out. He loved the idea of being the one to foot the bill. I try to be bigger than I feel. I really do. It's accepting people in their lives I would never befriend. It's asking if they want to get their Dad a gift for whatever holiday is coming, even though I know they will likely say no. It's walking away from a fight when I see the only ones losing are my kids.
This week I felt so empowered in taking care of my kids and keeping my flow at work going too. I have been a powerhouse through it all, finding resources where there are none and handling it all. I recognized my moments of weakness and asked my kids to remind me when they see it that I need to "Boss Up."
It wasn't until I was leaving my son's elementary school for the last time that the gravity of it all finally hit me. It wasn't ever alone in mothering them. I was never alone in leading them as the man I wanted to model to them. So many people stepped in when I was at work or in traffic. Yes, I pay my own bills. I keep food on the table and rent paid. I take care of their needs and wants (and they always want so many things).
As a mom of these young men, I have nothing but gratitude for the people in their lives. After these ceremonies, I talked to the administrators and teachers that have been speaking into my children’s lives and acknowledged them for the love and compassion they gave my kids. I thanked them for their dedication. Those I missed will likely get a hand-written note by mail. The reality is, no matter how much I do to be the man of the house, they spend such a small amount of time with me. Between shared custody, work, school, and sleeping hours, I’m able to give them what I have, but it’s not nearly what they have received from their schools. I bought a suit, I tied a tie, I helped my son with his cologne and hair, but when it came to self-soothing through a meltdown, that was often the principal. When it comes to the other person that watches over and protects them, they have another parent that shares custody equally with me. When it’s support with my everyday life, it’s my Dad and Step-Dad. The day I finally felt like I was being the masculine energy I wanted my kids to follow, I realized that like most things in life, it has very little to do with me.